Diary of an unhinged mind

He told me maybe I should write my feelings down. He tried to understand but I know he doesn't. That in itself it one of the many reasons he is my person.

I can't write it down on paper because it doesn't go away. It's there in all of its pathetic sadness.

It has been a big week. The exhaustion of pretending to make it through each day as a 'normal' person was too much.

For context I'd probably have to recount the last 30 years, but who has time for that right now. I don't have the willpower for that. Later.

I went to the bar after my last day of work and had a cocktail and glass of wine. I am not a regular drinker when I'm on my own, these days I am always on my own. P moved back overseas 14 months ago and we continue our relationship over dodgy Skype connections. I saw him in person for a total of 2 weeks last June and 4 weeks December/January. It gave me oxygen. It feels like a different world when he is beside me. I don't say that as some crazy co-dependant woman having a mid-life crisis... I have been on my own for much of my life and managed fine. This is the first time I felt like a person brings out the best in me. It's not all sunshine and rainbows, we definitely have our differences. He has changed me, this place we are in has forced me to try and communicate on a neutral plane. Express my thoughts but not critically, move on quickly from mis-undertandings and the hurt it causes. He doesn't mean to hurt me. His language can be blunt, but it's not his language. English is so complex.

Our time zones often make me feel so alone. I feel the empty bed next to me and it is so silent. He calls a few times a week an hour before I am due to sleep. He's often driving, our connection breaks several times as he passes through snow covered forests.

He calls me 'my woman' and it feels powerful. He tells me not to be sad because we are lucky we have found each other. Many others don't get to experience this.

I recently saw a psychologist. I sat and poured everything out for an hour before she said the time was up. I should try to reduce my stress and anxiety. I don't really feel stressed, it's something else. My GP said I was stressed and to try and reduce my stress - I don't feel stressed. I then saw a psychiatrist. He confirmed my lack of executive function is ADHD. To have answers for a life of disorganisation, daydreaming, struggling to feel like I can't keep my head above the water...my need for daily caffeine is self-medicating. It brings me to just below normal.

So let's get back to last night. I sat alone at the bar, watching the sunset. My favourite time of the day. I want to live on a property facing west. The deep orange disappearing behind the mountains. The noise of the other tables around me reminded me of my own silence. No friends, no tribe on their way to meet me. Just me. I had a textbook open on the table. I hate to be one of those people to scroll on their phone to pass the time (unless I'm home alone, then I doom scroll my hours away). I have assignments due next week. Haven't started. I drank my margarita quickly, P was calling on Skype and I hate to speak on the phone in crowded places. The sunset was glowing and I wanted to run across the carpark to see it better. Then I decided to stay put. I ordered a second drink. I was driving so it was a small glass of wine. Then it started. The sadness. The release of emotions that alcohol encouraged. I quickly drove home, the temptation to keep ordering drinks and not think about the consequences was growing.

Once home I found an old bottle of wine in the fridge. Cheap wine. It didn't matter that it was old. I drank the wine quickly. I spiralled quickly. The emotions strong and hard. July 3rd 2021 was the last time it was this bad. I remember that because I drank, and kept drinking. I lost my night in trying to find something to help me fix it. To take away the pain. When I was much younger it was body piercings and tattoos. The pain woke me up. It made those thoughts disappear and I felt alive again. After a while I would get rid of the piercings, and then like a cycle it would come around again and I would repeat the piercings. Multiple ear piercings, nipple piercings, belly, tongue...Then smoking. The nicotine would immediately wash over me like warm water. Only smoking after many drinks. Yesterday I found myself opening that packet. It has been at the back of the drawer for those years. I had a couple of puffs and threw the whole packet in the bin. The last resort - self harm. I started that when coming off anti-depressants over 10 years ago. It began with the blade of a pencil sharpener, a make-up pencil sharper. I would use my upper arm, easy to hide under most clothes. I would then spray aftershave on to make it really hurt. For many many years this was my last resort after I couldn't find another way of getting away from myself.

It stopped when P found out about it. He talked to me, tried to understand. Offered me himself. Offered a world of positives and late nights. I started to feel worthy, for the first time in my life someone was fighting alongside me.

He often says to me 'tell me something nice'. I don't reply. I want to tell him my insecurities, I want some reassurance or advice. I don't usually have anything to tell that's joyful or happy. He's told me sometimes it is frustrating that I'm constantly unhappy. He said last week that I refuse to be happy. I don't refuse to be happy, I am just currently unhappy. There are a lot of changes I need to make in my life to try and improve things.

Last night he wasn't there with me physically, but he answered the phone. He talked me down from that psychological ledge. I cried, I told him I was angry and lonely and wishing I was with him. He said he loved me. It was the first time he said it. The first time he said it directly. We have been together years - so this was a big thing. He has said it in passing "that's why I love you" and similar, but never directly just those three words. I have been waiting for it, I often wondered what it would feel like. I smiled. After the tears and the deep emotional unloading I smiled a broad happy smile. I went to sleep, exhausted. My great love really loves me.

I had vivid dreams, nightmares. He doesn't like it when I call them nightmares because he thinks a nightmares are so bad they wakes you up. My dreams don't wake me up - but they stay with me all day. I feel them deeply. Last night I was in a hotel while fires raged from every direction outside. I could see high red flames for kilometres. I asked at reception if there was a pool. There was no pool. I looked out the window and I could see a pond out the front of the hotel. My plan was to go there and find the deepest part to lie in. I don't know how to escape fires...

So that's today. Hungover and loved. I don't feel as broken.