Depression, Anxiety and Panic attack labelled me a psychopath
Being a person with depression, anxiety and panic attacks made me mentally ill, family and closed ones made me psychopath.
Suffering from mental illness was never my choice. My situations and circumstances lead into mental illness. Born in a backward community family with lack of knowledge about mental illness made my illness more pathetic. I could not speak about my illness since they consider it as a person who is psychotic and mad. Consulting a psychiatrist was a crime because after that a person is completely labelled as psychotic, and after that whenever we speak they consider it as a mad person’s actions. Same with me, begged my family to take to consult a doctor because I knew my situations were getting bad. Sleepless nights, loneliness, suicidal tendencies, frequent panic attacks and anxiety made me weak day by day. It is very important to have your loved ones who either understand your condition or are willing to try. They blamed me for my symptoms of my illness and making thoughtless remarks which made me feel bad and discouraged. I wanted to overcome with help of everyone but later I fought with it by myself, because I understood that not everyone understands.
One day at home I had my first severe panic attack. One whole day I was crying and feeling lonely and sitting in dark room. At night I had a conversation with one of my family member which resulted in ugly verbal fights and him speaking hurtful words. I was hurt, I felt losing everything, it was like I could not cope with anything anymore. I didn't know I was having panic attack at the time, all I remember is feeling like I was going to die and started crying, he left and I was alone in my room. I started to cry, gradually the pace of my weep changed. Started to cry loudly, I felt like some force is holding and squeezing my heart tightly. I could not breath. I was taking long deep breath each time. I rushed to toilet so that no one else could hear me cry. I cried loudly. And took heavy breaths each time. After long 15–20 minutes I got back the pace in myself, I felt relaxed,heart loosened and able to breath properly. I was confused with what had happened with me. I learned about panic attack from google and understood how pathetic my situation is. I learned that I’m suffering from severe mental illness. I began to feel lonely and detached from everyone and everything in my life. I changed my phone number, deleted social networking accounts and stopped contact with everyone around me. My self esteem and confidence completely submerged as a result. I wasn't eating either and quickly lost a lot of weight.
Finally, somehow I managed to convince my family to take me to consult a psychiatrist. After the first visit he advised for several counselings and corrective measures and to overcome every upcoming problems, that helped me well. But what affected me was the crooked smiles and laughter from my family stating me as psychopath. After that, when it comes to going for a party or vacations they hesitated to include me believing I’d behave strange. I knew I’m doing better, I’m holding back my mental state but they were not ready to accept me in that way. I started to hold back from every public programs more often. Which resulted in severe depression and anger issues. I used to get angry from everything that was said to me. And them talking she’s mad take her to hospital and admit her for a month, which made me more angry.
After that, whatever I said or I behaved they saw it in a different way which was like a taunting to me. I left my home to stay with my Aunt so that I didn't want to face everyone. From there I started to see the world in different way. My Aunt understood me and she took care of everything. I started to love myself, I started to feel happier. After 8 weeks of counseling sessions, it changed my life completely. I learned things about myself I didn’t realize.
At present, I’m a person with depression, anxiety and panic attack that visits me less frequently. But my family has finally labelled me as a true psychopath, they doesn't even bother to care whatever I speak or do. Everyone of my family consider me the same including my husband, I don't blame them, it might be due to their lack of knowledge or experiences and broad mind. They’ll only understand my situations when they’re in my shoes until that they’ll be the same. I believe.
I sometimes overhear them speaking about their hesitant to take me to public functions because their daughter/wife/sister is “mad”. I move forward with teary eyes every time but with a strong heart to overcome. I believe it’s your mind and heart that controls your whole body. I now cannot even reciprocate my true emotions because when I get pissed off or angry my family takes it as an action of my so called “madness”, but now I have learned to accept whatever they are saying. They still doesn't get the meaning of depression or anxiety, they believe it’s just “worrying”. So I should not bother about what they think or say. I know who I am and that’s all what matters. I’m a happy soul with a peaceful mind to face everything now.
Now things are better, not perfect. But I’m proud to speak about my illness. It’s been tough years but now I’m happy person and have no shame in saying that I am a person who sometimes suffers with anxiety, depression and panic attacks. It’s not me all the time and it doesn’t even define me or my character. Someone who’s sick, injured or fractured doesn’t change from who they are, they are still the same. So am I.