Deer Family,

Quietly driving down the backroads, impending rain brewing in the night sky. There was a big day ahead of me tomorrow and the storm seemed like a mirror image of the anxiety inside of me. Lighting up behind the clouds, you could feel the moisture in the air and any minute now it was about to break through. Anxiety has been something that has overcome me, and even my best intentions, since I was a kid. That sudden feeling of Doom. Preparing for any important event, big and small, thinking of every little thing that could go wrong. Anything that could ruin the happiness you are trying to manifest. Its debilitating, frustrating and all consuming sometimes.

This night, however, I was not going to let my anxieties over something so trivial ruin the plan. I wanted to make sure every wish was granted and that the man I love had a beautiful day full of love and light. Clearly, I was failing, and my anxieties were starting to peak through the clouds of the storm that was brewing. In case you’re wondering all this anxiety was for a birthday. The birthday of the man who I have grown to cherish so close to my heart. The man who deserves this love and light every day of his life. This will be our first birthday together and I wanted nothing more than to make it incredible, just as he has done every day since coming into me and my children’s life.

I had a very small list of things that needed done. Very few expectations that needed to be met. All day to make this happen. Why now anxiety? Why did you decided to come around and plague me with doubts? Here she was, rolling in like the night storm, doing what she could to break my pure intentions and create a wall of fear inside between my heart and my head. Anyone who deals with this crippling disorder of the body and mind I know can relate.

I used to let her run my life. I used to let her stop me from things out of fear. I used to believe I was nothing more than what the fear created in me. I was wrong and 32 years of living in that mindset was a tough addiction to get clean from. Now, I fight back. Now, I not only challenge the fear, but I renamed it. Once I started to understand that Anxiety was not who I was, and I was always the one in control I started to see that in a way she was a gift. In a way, she helped me and continues to help me see just how important faith truly is. So, I gave her a new name. Angelica; Messenger of God.

I see the first drop of rain and for some reason it relieves me. If the storm starts now it will be gone before the morning, maybe the anxiety of what could happen will subside just as fast as well. I make the next turn and I am stopped on this deserted road by a family of deer. Two babies, one mom. Its my life, well it was, before I took the leap and opened my heart back up to love. I no longer believe in coincidences. Its late, I’m stress driving thinking of how beautiful life is right now, Angelica creeping up my spine creating the fear of it all, somehow, being lost. I waited for the deer to cross the street. The doe staying behind the children waiting for them to pass safely before she moved from the road. She kept looking back into the clearing like there was another she was waiting on, but another did not come. This was a message for me. A message I truly needed to see to understand its significance.

Deer have been since ancient times a symbol of peace, love, beauty, awareness, and unconditional love. The deer is a spiritual totem that, some believe, are sent as a good omen from those who are watching over you. A good omen, I could use that right now! Digging deeper into the significance of this event a thought moved quickly through my head. The doe was indeed alone but instead of letting the threat of a moving vehicle shake her, she stood there solid, looking the threat straight in the face as her children moved from the course back to safety. Neither knowing of the dangers that could have been inflicted upon them.

The way she investigated the car was not of fear, more of a curiosity. Like she was trying to understand me as I was also trying to understand her. A connection, in that handful of seconds we shared, but a true one at that. Her and her young were there for me a good omen. A message. They were there for my eyes to see, for my heart to be thankful I was able to stop without any fatalities. They were there for my mind to open and realize that the gentleness and graceful action of this deer seemed to have saved not only herself own but her family as well. Which, in turn, unknowingly saved me. Like the deer I felt an interconnection to all that I was surrounded by that night. The small drops of rain on my windshield, as though, they were trying to wash away any worry I had. The two babies who trusted their intuition and swiftly moved from the road. The doe, who showed courage and leadership and awareness of what surrounded her and continuing to move with peace and agility away from the danger that presented itself.

The family, swiftly, moved through the path leading to the woods on the other side of the road as I sat there in awe of what my soul had just encountered. Before the doe reached the opening between the trees, she again looked back as if she was waiting for something from the other side of the road. Waiting for something, I felt that. What was I waiting for though?! As I started to move the car back into drive, I saw a light in my peripherals and before I could turn my head a Stag raced across the street into the clearing where the doe had been waiting. Trying to locate the family again and watch this beautiful reunion, I peeked through the tiny puddles of rain making their way down the glass. All that was left of the doe and her children through the were 3 sets of glimmering eyes in the distance. One fixed directly upon me. That night I was left with a gift. A message. A hope. That night before she made her way back home to safety with her family, she gave me the gift of harmony; So, I too could return to a state of safety with the people that mean the most to me, my family.

For everyone as energetically sensitive as I am, renaming or even fully naming your fear, will slowly but surely help you to overcome it. Being energetically sensitive you seem to take on the anxieties others and sometimes before they take them on themselves. It can be exhausting, especially for those of us who believe we need the acceptance of others to except ourselves. Those of us who put others before our own needs and end up not receiving the same in return. We are not our fears and the only acceptance we will ever need is the acceptance and validation of ourselves.

I have chosen a life of very few close friends and family, and for the longest time, I believed this life was some type of curse and placed the blame on her. I have come to realize this existence, as it is, is peaceful and so full of love given and returned. A fulfilled life that I am very grateful to be able to live. A life of my own creation. I have chosen to spend most of my time with my two beautiful children, and now, the man I love. Most importantly, I have chosen to replace my fear with faith. I made the choice to stop fighting change and instead embracing it. To listen to the fear but not submit to it. I have chosen to find common ground with Angelica. A safe place. A place that her and I can both exist together but for better, not worse.