Day 11

WHY I DRANK

1. I had a good day. In a stressful and unpredictable job/world, I’ll latch onto to any reason to celebrate. Which isn’t necessarily alcoholic speak for: I’ll take any excuse to drink. When I feel good, I have an urgent need to make the most of that euphoria before it gets away from me. I thought good times were a gift. A limited, one-time-only offer. I had to give myself all I could get. I hadn’t realised that the good days are something I can give to myself. I don’t have to wait around. I just have to take action. Get a strategy. Gently remind me that I have conditioned myself to believe I don’t deserve to be happy. That fuelling the good times with drink won’t make them last longer. That the good feelings won’t run away from me because they’re already within me.

2. I had a bad day. My kneejerk response to drink when I feel unhappy allows several quick and not unpleasant solutions: numbness, forgetfulness, and a fast, heavy dose of dopamine. Drink transports me somewhere else altogether. If you’re out there reading, I will get into this a bit later (I’m still mapping it out). I don’t remember the last time I had allowed myself to process negative emotions or experiences, and not surprisingly, I can’t remember the times I drank them away, either.

3. It was part of my routine. I love to cook. And not the “dating profile” definition of cooking. Besides wine, cooking is the activity that relaxes me most. Drink became part of my routine. Part of a lifestyle, as alcohol so often does. Sure, there’s nothing wrong with enjoying a drink whilst you cook. To pair one with your meal. But as any alcoholic will tell you, it doesn’t stop at one glass, one bottle. I’m flying high when cooking, then cut to ten hours and three bottle later… I’m outside of myself, watching me as I drag my body upstairs to take a quick shower because it’s 6am and I must be at work in two hours.

4. I’m terrified of being alone. Ah, the very root of it – a subconscious fear of being alone, which in my head, equates to being lonely. I love my own company but looking back on the time I spent with myself, more than 50% was intoxication. I was alone and wanted company, so I drank and populated my head with the life I wanted. That could have once I’d gotten my act together. Even in my drunken stupor, I was dreaming of the day I would be sober and how things would just work out.

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02/01/2022

Today I am officially in double digits!

Ten days sober...

I won't lie, I'm feeling a change in my energy, one that feels similar to how I used to get before I'd pour a cold glass of wine and relax for the evening.

I've been reading about 'sober spikes', where our first two weeks of pure detox leave us feeling both proud, pumped up and exhausted. It can be downhill from here, and it's a point where many of us fall of the wagon and spiral.

I'm pleased to say the major change, however, is my self-esteem. Getting this far - which for me is 1000 miles - has made me feel proud as punch. The respect I have earned for myself outweighs any energy deficit and cravings. I'm inspired to keep on going, and I'm so happy to know that is because of a decision I made for myself, a responsibility I committed to.

For the first time in my life, I feel in control. Bring on Day 11.