I’m angry.
I’m so angry.
I’m so angry that I want to scream, tear at my skin, break things.
But all I can do is sit here and cry.
For so long I have blamed You for everything I’ve been through, everything You allowed in my life. How could You let a child endure so much? How could You watch as she was broken and betrayed, not by strangers, but by the very people who were supposed to protect her and keep her? How could You do nothing when she cried out to You for help, when she begged for Your promised deliverance? When she thought about ending her own life?
What must it have been like to sit where You do, know what You know, and see what You see? In my youth, I chose to believe You didn’t care. Every tear that ran down my face was another reminder of how much I did not matter. Not to You, not to anyone I should have mattered to for all the right reasons. My only significance was to bear the brunt of someone else’s burdens or to save those who didn’t even know they were in danger. It was me, my job, my life. And You didn’t care enough to step in and stop it. To be my promised Savior. You just sat there, and you watched.
As I grew older, my anger turned into bitter resentment, even when I turned back to You. I grew in my understanding of Your love and compassion, and I clung to that, using it as a shield to hide all my turmoil behind. Because deep down, I still felt like You left me. You let me down. By not stopping the hands that hurt me, You hurt me the most. More than any word, any action, any touch.
I sit here and I cry because I now know You were there. I can see it by looking at a horrible situation and seeing how You kept it from being any worse than it was. I know You were holding my hand when I was hurting and I was so afraid. I cry because I understand now just how much you love me and how much it hurt you to let me go through those things. And I cry because I spent so many years wrapped up in my anger and my pride, years that I could have spent with You.
I still don’t know why You allowed me to live the life I have, but I no longer feel like I have to know. There’s this understanding deep down that someday You’ll show me and I’ll finally see the whole picture. I won’t be staring at the backside of Your tapestry where all the colors are mixed together, loose threads hanging everywhere, knots cluttering and everything is just ugly. I’ll finally get the see the beautiful masterpiece that You’ve been looking at this entire time.
And because it’s just what I do, I’ll cry.
About the Creator
Keep reading
More stories from D. E. Morris and writers in Psyche and other communities.
Lovely
I thought today was going to go down as the worst day in my entire life. Over the past few weeks there had been things, little things, that were just building up to come together in a culmination of a crap storm and make me vulnerable to a final death blow. First the car, then my job, then bills. The list didn’t seem to have an end. So I went for a drive alone so I could just cry—don’t judge me. Ladies, you know we do our best crying behind the wheel. And we still have a lower percentage of accidents than men.
By D. E. Morris3 years ago in Humans
The secret journey to regaining emotional stability
Do you feel that the anxious and avoidant types both seem to be strong and independent, but in fact they are sensitive and fragile. They often fall into emotions because of small things and start to be anxious and avoidant? If anxious and avoidant types want to change these, what they actually need is to compensate for their missing parts and heal their injured parts. In this issue, we will teach the avoidant and anxious types how to cultivate themselves again, making their emotions more stable, more rational in relationships, and at the same time gaining the ability to actively output emotional value. If anxious and avoidant types want to overcome the sensitive and fragile parts of themselves and obtain stable emotions, they need not only cognitive adjustments, but also need to heal the traumatized parts of themselves and compensate for the regretful parts of themselves. For example, the regret of the avoidant type is that they have not been paid serious attention to and have never truly rebelled. Therefore, the avoidant type will not fight for their own needs in many situations, resulting in uncomfortable situations and relationships, and they are always running away and wandering. The trauma of the anxious type is that they are trapped in unstable relationships and have been hurt by the instability in intimate relationships. The slightest fluctuation will make the anxious type feel nervous and anxious. Therefore, anxious and avoidant types are inherently fragile, sensitive, and unstable. In summary, these reasons are that something is missing during the growth stage, or they have suffered some trauma, so if you want to solve these problems, this is the time. Compensate when you need to compensate, heal when you need to heal, exercise when you need to exercise, just treat yourself as a child and raise yourself again. If the avoidant and anxious types re-train themselves, what kind of growth can they gain? First of all, emotions will become more and more stable. For example, you can be aware of your emotions at the first time, avoid emotions from affecting your thoughts and judgments, and learn to regulate your emotions. Secondly, you can truly understand yourself and know your real needs and fears. In the process of re-nurturing yourself, you can clearly understand your needs and fears, that is, you can know why you are attracted to a certain person, why you behave like this, and then you can better understand what you need.
By angelababy2 days ago in Psyche
Comments
There are no comments for this story
Be the first to respond and start the conversation.