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by Brittney 4 years ago in coping

Anxiety, Depression, PTSD

Hi there, my name is Brittney, some call me Britt, other’s call me Bodie. I am just your average young woman with a past to share. With what I share, I know I’m not the only one and I hope that maybe reading this can help other females and even males to be exposed and open their eyes to life experiences.

For starters, in high school, kids could be so mean. As I progressed through high school and my appearance turned into a young woman’s, people began to talk. The typical, she’s a prude or she’s a whore and much much more. But that’s beside the point, my senior year I had met a 21-year-old guy, who at the time was in a relationship, so we became friends which turned into much more. He was a player, very good at manipulating to get what he wanted. In saying that, he convinced me he was leaving his girlfriend because he “wasn’t happy,” but it was her that left him. As time went on, he and I were a couple, I chose to give myself to him, he was my first. From that point on, he became more careless, more controlling, he would talk to females on social media and Tinder and whatever other apps he could find to meet new people. At the time, he wasn’t physical, but as I started to stick up for myself, he didn’t like it and he eventually would belittle me with not only his words, but his hands. It went from making me sleep with him, holding me down, choking to hurt me (not for fun), pushing me into dressers, and leaving bruises on my arms and neck. It took me almost three years to finally leave. I was young, naive, and infatuated with his words because he knew how to keep me around no matter what. I always went back and always thought 'This is what I deserve; this is LOVE.'

From that relationship, I eventually found another guy, it was nothing serious. He just made it fun to hang out, it was mainly just two friends with benefits but a little more than friends. Needless to say, that ended because he chose to get back with his ex. I wasn’t even mad. From then, I chose to stay single, have fun, and find me again... who I am; where I’ve been and who I want to be. I’m still learning...BUT that’s okay. With time, things change, what you liked at one point, you may not like at another. But that’s change. I have an issue accepting change with the simplest of things.

Now, about a year ago, I had gotten out of another toxic relationship. He was this muscle head wannabe, with the smoothest words to keep me around. He was a couple years older, a HUGE flirt, with an ego the size of a penny. He was so into making his appearance as to what he thought was “perfect,” but he was the most insecure person. To make up for it, he was a cocky guy with no respect for any female. After we broke up, he convinced me to see him my first night at Country Thunder (keep in mind my boyfriend now, I was camping with him; I’ll talk about him shortly), I was highly intoxicated, super vulnerable, and he knew it because it was my first time back after meeting him for the first time the year prior. Long story short, I went to see him, why? I thought I wanted his attention to almost prove I didn’t need his approval to be happy and that I was happy without him... That bit me in the butt. He took advantage of me, he raped me, he took a part of me that I thought healed from my first boyfriend from doing it. I felt demoralized, humiliated, ashamed... once my parents found out they convinced me to go to the police... They did nothing, they said it’s his word against mine. So what did I do? Accepted it, wrote about it, cried, and chose to move forward. Because of that, I’m with the best man for me, now.

The two relationships above, the guys' traits for anyone to catch on to for the future: lying, hiding the phone, make you feel like it’s YOUR fault, accusing you of anything and everything because it’s their guilty conscious, pay attention to the red flags. If they ever belittle you with words or physically harm you, run. Nobody deserves that, ever. I personally feel that emotional abuse lasts a lot longer, tends to stick with you unfortunately; physical harm, you WILL remember—you might flinch if someone moves to quickly towards you or goes in for a hug (I’ve slowly gotten better with that), but the bruises heal. Words are what you tend to remember and play over and over again in your head.

My person, he’s a soldier (wrote about him in another story), he is my home, my sanity. He knows all about my past, actually, he was the person who found me and held me while I cried after the incident at Country Thunder with my ex. We have been together for a year and a half and because we are best friends and soulmates, we couldn’t ask for anything better. He’s understanding and patient with me (mostly), I have triggers from my past that make it hard for me to not think about with certain situations. But because I have the man I have now, he’s helped me, he continues to help me move forward and encourages me in many ways. He’s my inspiration. My security. My whole world. Most of all, he tends to listen and tries his best to help me get through my negative emotions and tantrums.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. I have progressed a lot in the last two years. I’m still a work in progress, I have to take it day by day. Not every day is good or bad, but I have to choose to find ways to get through it. Most nights are worse than others. When I’m alone in bed, I think, A LOT. So my hobby is writing. It is a big piece of me that not many people know about, I’ve never thought of writing and sharing my stories. But I genuinely want to maybe share what I’ve experienced to show others, life is not always what we want, but we can find ways to get through anything thrown at us. There’s always help out there. Find your sanity and choose anything that helps you become the person you want to be.



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