Cherry's Darkness

Something I have never talked about publicly, even though I know many go through this as well.

I was the oldest sibling of 4, my mother was a single parent. As the oldest sibling I went through the same stress my mother went through, this caused me to have no confidence, mental health problems. I never realized this until now. Growing up my mother put a lot of pressure on me since I was her right hand, I helped her care for my other siblings, care for our home. You could call me her assistant well that's what I felt like, even though I know my mother meant well. Being a single parent now I understand a lot of what my mother went through. Of course no child should ever have to go through any stress, a child barely understands our world. We as parents are supposed to help them understand this world, make it easier and raise them right after all they are the future. I don't blame my mother fully for my mental health issues even though she kinda is the source of it. She did her best I don't hold a grudge against her, although growing up I did often think I was the source of her problems which really messed me up emotionally.

I didn't help myself though I kept putting myself in situations that put me in a darker mental place. Friends, I'm an introvert so yeah didn't make it much fun for myself. Relationships, I was drawn to toxic boys, men. I was drawn to toxic men because of their crazy venture side. Being an introvert I kept a lot of things to myself, my feelings, my problems. I had friends, but was always too embarrassed to talk about anything deep about myself with them. When I did though, not many helped me they kinda just listened, which I am more than grateful for, although I kinda needed some help or advice sometimes. It sucks when you can't really talk to either of your parents about your issues. One was not in the picture at all, off living his own selfish life, the other was struggling to raise me and my other siblings.

I can't blame others fully for my personal issues the reality is I was born into this world alone and I'm going to leave it alone, so its up to me to get my s**t together go about life as best I can. I'm sure if I had a lifetime partner along my side it would be very helpful, yes I got married turned out to be a toxic marriage. The only great thing that happen in my marriage was I created life 4 times. Having a toxic marriage kinda set my mental health to a dark place. A marriage has strong vows that both partners should strongly follow. You can't hold a marriage together when only one half is willing to their part so, I ended that relationship I became an exotic dancer. The stripper world is full of dark things, so I kinda didn't help myself. It opened up my world to some crazy, uncomfortable moments. I was actually shocked I loved being a dancer. Being that it was a different type of environment cherry's mental health darkness was feeding off that. I noticed that after my super toxic marriage, then jumping into the stripper world really sent my mental illness to a really dark place. I am not sure if others have experienced this, I call them real life blackouts. You know how when you get drunk, blackout your mind is in a faint state, while I experienced that fully sober if that makes any sense. I don't like experiencing these “sober blackouts” they put me in a weird state of mind. It makes it hard to be around the people I love and care about. I've been hurting mentally, physically and emotionally for some time. I'm not foul proof, but I refuse to belittle myself. Cherry wants others to understand that mental health illness is real. Our world is going through a pandemic it is affecting everyone's mental health one way or another it's important to check on everyone. Even though, we have to social distance doesn't mean to completely isolate yourself from the world. We need friends to communicate and keep each other in check. Thank you social media for exciting. One day I know I'll fight this to where I am confident and stronger mentally I kinda em already sharing this with you all. I did not share my personal thoughts to seek help more so to make others aware that it exists, what it feels like, how to cope with it and to not feel alone.

Ways I cope with this is I isolate myself from everyone including my kids I take some days to rest, workout, recharge my mind kinda have a little escape even I don't physically go anywhere. I start making new goals once, I feel okay I get back to reality. I keep myself busy with goals or ventures I set for myself. Some of you know me from social media for some time so you have seen me try so many things. Thank you by the way for your support helps my mental health. I love you all. Every day, I work on having a stronger and healthier mindset. I'm not perfect but I refuse to let the darkness eat up my mental health. Welcome to the darkness in cherry's mind. She will keep fighting it.