Brittle Bones: The Comedown

Abstract: The following excerpt is from my fictional coming-of-age novel about Audrey Anderson's life, a girl from a small made-up town of Tribuca, California, an aspiring musician. This excerpt is a continuation of part one in Indio, CA.

***

“I miss it sometimes. To the point where the craving becomes its own existential high. Like, I get hyped off of the idea that this exists, that one of these days I will let it enter my body once more and feel it spread all over, feel my pupils grow, feel the rush of dopamine pumping, feel my heart racing and embrace the sunset going down,” Audrey explained.

Her therapist made swift notes, sitting cross-legged opposite her.

“Do you believe you have a problem?”

Audrey shook her head.

“I think it could have turned into a problem, until I intervened. You see, I came here to seek comfort. I came here to be heard without fear of being judged. You’re the person that can do that for me without any sort of inherent bias attached to it,” Audrey paused before continuing. “And the truth is I just want to feel love again,” she responded. Her therapist fell silent waiting on her to expand her thoughts.

“I don’t believe I have a problem. The drugs we picked up were safe. I just didn’t listen. I wanted more. I craved more. I wanted to...float,” Audrey said.

***

She didn’t listen. After having ‘dipped her toes in the sand’ and trying molly for the very first time, Audrey became infatuated with the synthetic feeling of joy and happiness. She went against Travis’s wishes of just having a tab of .1 and ventured out looking for more. These were not tested. These were given to her by total strangers visiting from Colorado. From that point forward, every single movement was in slow motion, every single heartbeat was rhythmic, every single touch felt sensational. She loved every. single. second. of. it.

Then, Travis and her got separated on the grounds. Audrey and Aaron had been arguing over the phone all day.

“I just can’t believe you left like that. I mean, no phone call?” Aaron said.

“Aaron, we clearly need to figure things out on our own. Separately,” Audrey said.

“I get that, but I don’t care if we’re in a fight or not. I still care about you. I still want you to be safe. I still want you to know that I love you and don’t want to lose you, babe,” Aaron said. Audrey’s eyes teared up.

“Babe?”

“Yeah,” she answered.

“It’s not your fault she’s gone and I’m sorry for what I said when I was angry. I was out of line. I was wrong about what I said,” Aaron said apologetically. Audrey stayed silent for a minute. The cocaine and the second tab of molly were slowly, but surely kicking in.

“I have to go,” she said and hung up.

It doesn’t matter that he apologized. The words were already out of his mouth. He couldn’t take them back even if he tried.

Then...within an instant, she was floating. The drugs kicked into overdrive and she felt unbelievable.

After a horrifying overdose at the festival left her body numb for a couple hours, the comedown of the laced ecstasy, cocaine, and molly had been one of the worst proverbial free-falls. It wasn’t like a hangover where a headache and fatigue go hand in hand. This type of come down is not only accompanied by a numbing headache, but a numbing sensation, a feeling of dread, agony, and jitters.

The jitters is what gave her away. Travis and her were in their tents when Audrey started to have the most intense jitters and seizures. Travis immediately got up from his tent and went over to help.

“Audrey?! Oh my god, is everything ok?” he asked in a panic. He knew what to do in times of a seizure attack and also knew that Audrey was not prone to seizures, neither was she epileptic.

Is this an overdose? he thought.

He cushioned her head and waited for her convulsions to subside. About 15 minutes later, she was starting to breathe at a normal pace, so Travis turned her over on her side and stayed with her.

“It’s okay, we’re okay. Slow, calm, shallow breaths,” he motions. Audrey started crying.

“I’m so sorry,” she said. Travis hugged her and shushed her.

“I know. It happened. It’s not a big deal. It hurts, doesn’t it?”

“Very much,” she continued to cry. There’s a price to pay for having such a glorious high. For one, dopamine levels become seriously depleted. The feeling of eternal bliss turns into a feeling of an eternal suck fest. Audrey finally caught up with her demons and succumbed to the overwhelming feeling of depression. Suddenly, she was forced to cope with her grief, with her loss, with her preconceived notion that this was in fact all of her fault. She sobbed harder than she ever has. There was a physical feeling of numbness, but the internal numbness was gone replaced by a full flood of pain, escaping from the gaping wound in her heart.

***

“So what is stopping you from indulging in molly again?” Audrey’s therapist asked.

“Even though it’s not the fault of molly, I can’t help but reminisce Travis’ fear. He was genuinely scared to lose me that day,” she answered.

“Is he romantically attracted to you?”

Audrey shook her head.

“No, he’s like a brother to me. He cares for me, but not in the way Aaron does.”