Boarderline Personality Disorder...

by Kai Hayes about a month ago in personality disorder

What???

Boarderline Personality Disorder...

Boarderline Personality Disorder... What a name right? Well that is the diagnosis that was given to me by some psych chick way back when I was seventeen (I'm now closer to 40 then I am 30).

As a typical teenager I wanted nothing to do with my diagnosis, so off I went with the dream of living my best life (yeah... how'd that turn out for me). I had a multiple failed relationships (2 of those being marriages), I changed religions like I changed my knickers, hell, I even changed my name. I've changed jobs, moved houses, changed my look so many times I don't know if I'm coming or going.

At the end of last year I eventually had a mental breakdown (although i didn't realise it at the time... I just thought I was batshit crazy), causing the breakdown of my relationship and yet another relocation of my children.

Hitting rock bottom (as cliché as it is) made me wake up and listen to what my mind had been screaming at me for all these years. Perhaps there was something to this original diagnosis, so I did what I do best... I began to research BPD.

What did I find? Do I hear you ask? Well let me put it this way, if I had sought out this information 20 years ago- my life may have been somewhat different. BPD directly impacts the way a person thinks and feels about themselves and other people, this causes some pretty dramatic functionality problems in everyday life. Managing emotions and behaviour can be disastrous and a pattern of unhealthy relationships is not uncommon. Umm hello have we met?

After learning what I did, I reluctantly made an appointment to speak to my doctor (just because I knew I needed too, doesn't mean I wanted too). Luckily for me my GP is amazing, especially with 'issues' surrounding mental health and made me an appointment with a psychiatrist who specialises in BPD (who knew such a person existed).

Anyway I went along to my psych appointment, where it was pointed out that everything I'd experienced over the past 30-something years was in alignment with my original diagnosis. She sprouted of things like 'psychotherapy', 'lamatrogine', 'setraline', 'Dialectical Behavioural Therapy'. One hour and $450 poorer I left the clinic exhausted but for the first time in my existence I felt validated.

As I look down my imaginary yellow brick road (that is in need of some severe resurfacing) I can finally see a tiny glimmer of light. Buckle up kid this is gonna be one hell of a ride.

personality disorder
Kai Hayes
Kai Hayes
Read next: Never In the Cover of Night
Kai Hayes

Single mama of four children who is now closer to the age of 40 than she is 30. Co-living (somewhat successfully) with BPD, whilst killing it at life... to some degree.

See all posts by Kai Hayes