#BellLetsTalk

#BellLetsTalk Hi. My name is Keanna Barry. I am a 22 year old living with schizophrenia and other mental illnesses such as depression and P.T.S.D. I suffer from drug addiction and suicidal tendencies as well. September 2016 was the first time i was hospitalized. I was scared. I had never known how serious my problems were until my first admission. I was just 17 at that time young and impressionable. They had me taking medication and talking to a psychiatrist which didn’t seem to sit with me well. I was so against the tactics of what they were planning for me. At the time I didn’t understand that they were just trying to prioritize my well being. But at that time it didn’t look or feel like it at all. I was forced to stop doing drugs and even though I had no withdrawals it still upset me to the point where i had lashed out a small armour of anger from me onto the ones who couldn’t understand my dependancy on my substance and see why I had an addiction to even begin with. I felt I had to protect myself from these people. I didn’t know what exactly they had in mind when I was in there, they never told me so it was sort of like a free for all when it came down to being given therapy when yes i know the nurses aren't legal therapists or its not "required" in their job description but I feel I wouldn't have been so lost and confused in there because I just didn’t feel like their techniques that they do complete would work. Yet as I stand here today I’ll admit I was wrong; something I’m not completely used to being. That was the beginning of my recovery. For me I never expected myself to make it to where they had me. I grew up believing I wouldn’t make it to my adulthood but here I am. Today I’m here to tell my story and hopefully influence who ever is in this motion with me to heal and make peace with themselves. For the longest time I blamed myself for my illness. That wasn’t healthy of me to believe or act on. It took many months of self therapy for me to actually admit this. But I’m healing and it feels so great to be able to say that with an honest heart. I’m still on the road to recovery as my life has its many issues that I am working on to make amends. It takes strength and effort but it’s so worth the time it takes because even if it’s a long distance run the end mark still exists for you when you can finally reach that state. I had been feeling a lot more depressed in my last admission which had been a longer term stay of 19 months only by witnessing all of us who are hurt and had been in there for our own personal distraught reasons. And it’s quite sad to me that a lot have been in there for many years and they don’t seem to be as if they’re on their road to recovery. I do pray that they can find the wisdom to do as I have and take that action to make better with their troubles. I’m very keen on seeing myself and others working on whatever it is that makes us live uncomfortably. Because part of that is why I’ve been sick. Not being able to live comfortably but since I’ve began my healing journey I’ve found to stop living in fear and it’s something I’ve suffered with in the past to great extents that I was just so afraid of everything down to introducing myself, meeting new people, public speaking, being in social settings with strangers, and other things that revolve around being with other people. I’m getting lesser and lesser shy and less anti social but it’s a tough one to get past. I found out on my own that my “shyness” was in fact an error of being unable to know how to socialize properly and at certain times at all. Since when I was young I always found it so hard to be in social settings and it was so bad that it followed me into my adolescence. Now that I’m a bit older I’ve found reason for why I lived my life the way I did. But now that I am at this exact point in my life I’ve never felt so relieved. Relieved that I am okay. That things are falling into place and that I am not here alone.

Thank you for reading.