by Jenn Pautsch 11 months ago in humanity / humanity

Why is everything such a fight?


Today, I am angry. I am preparing myself for a battle. One that I will win. I have every confidence about that. But what I am angry about is that I shouldn't even have to fight for this. It is an injustice, and the other side is wrong for their behavior. What is happening is illegal, and will be resolved. It is being done to intimidate me and to get me to give up. I cannot specify any details regarding what is happening, because I am not risking it getting into the wrong hands and being used against me. I will only give these vague details, and say that they picked the wrong person to bully.

So, as I sat here drinking my coffee and being stuck inside my head about my situation, it occurred to me that everything seems to be a battle these days. Life is a battle. Gone are the days where people lived a simple life and were content with what they had. People no longer love thy neighbor. The Golden Rule is scoffed at. There are so many who think that they are entitled to anything they want. And it enrages me, this lack of humanity. Because that is what it really boils down to. People only care about themselves, not others. I decided that some sort of ranting post might help soothe me before you chose to read it. God knows if it will make any sense or be coherent. My best thoughts do not occur when I am angry.

I alone face many battles in this life. Depression and anxiety are the biggest. When I sink into depression, I lose the ability to do anything well. Oh, I function. I go to work, care for my kids, go through the motions of any given day. But inside, I am exhausted, I don't find pleasure in anything. I simply am enduring life. This is perhaps the worst aspect of myself. It is not my fault, I do not sink into the abyss because I don't want to face the world. I love the world, and everyday life. I love people. I love laughing and smiling. When I am well, I am explosive and dynamic with happiness. But when I am sick, my thoughts are dismal, my body is tired, and I simply don't care about things the way I should. With the exception of my children, because they always bring me joy. Sometimes it is a tired joy, but they will and do always make me smile. I thank God for them every day, because without them there have been many times I would have had no reason to live. This depression, this is a battle I can only hold at bay. I will never "win" this battle. But I will always get up from it when it knocks me down.

Now, my anxiety. This is a kicker. I worry about everything. My imagination is so vivid, and so intense. I can literally envision the worst case scenario for any set of circumstances. And I usually do. If I have to wait for something, chances are internally I will be totally stressed and paranoid. There are days when I am struck with fear about something happening to my kids. Sometimes it is about my own fears. Imagine being anxious about the things that you fear. Not the fear itself, but actually stressing out because you know this fear exists and what if you have to face it. And Heaven forbid that someone actively criticizes me, or says something bad. My anxiety will take over so fast you wouldn't even be able to blink. And guess what? The best part about my anxiety is that it usually presents itself as rage. Just flat out rage. And when it comes, it is terrifying. Don't get me wrong, it will also come out in foot tapping, rocking side to side while standing, nail biting, smoking too much, crying... there are a million ways. But mostly what I notice is the rage. I hate this part of myself. I am not an angry person, but throw in some anxiety and I become a demon.

The reason for those both is my recently diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder. The very short description of that is that I cannot control my emotions., which completely makes sense to me. It explains why I have always been who I am. I always thought that I was simply an overly emotional person, which is almost accurate. I just have a disease that amplifies my emotions and causes me to be over the top. The other new diagnosis I have is PTSD from Childhood Trauma. Awesome. Just what I needed. More reasons to be a complete spazz. Another thing to cause my anxiety to skyrocket. And it does. Loud noises, being startled, being yelled at... those all cause me to have anxiety leading to rage. Being depressed causes me anxiety because I know what it is and I can't fix it. I do take medication, but it only makes these symptoms tolerable. It keeps me more normal. But every single day is a battle.

Then there is society. What is wrong with people today? You have people thinking that they are above the law, people thinking they are right and nobody else is allowed an opinion. We have the world trying to say there are four thousand different genders. Don't get me wrong, I have no prejudice about lifestyle choices, but there are two genders. Period. If you were born with your soul not matching your body, you have a surgery or you dress differently, and you become transgender. I am totally fine with all of that. A good friend of mine is transgender. I knew her when she was a man, and I know her now as she is today. In both genders, she had a huge heart, and THAT is what I care about. Overall, THAT is what I care about. It doesn't need to be a battle. The world needs to chill out.

Then there is the ever popular race card. There are important people out there turning us against each other. The media feeds this frenzy and leads our thoughts into a pattern. We are being brainwashed. To me, this should be a battle that ended a long time ago. People need to stop being so sensitive, and stop thinking in such a divisive way. We are all created equally. We are human beings. Am I going to dislike someone who is a criminal from a different country because they are from wherever? No, I certainly will not. I may dislike them for being a criminal, but it has nothing to do with their race. I'd agree that there is still much racism in the world, but it is definitely not confined to one race thinking all others are bad. There are many races who are racist to another. All colors of skin have another race that they have disdain for due to history. But seriously people, stop bringing up the past. Stop using an old issue to divide the world. Love someone because they are a human being. If you don't like someone, let it be because of their character, not because of their skin or religious beliefs.

When I was growing up, we interacted with our neighbors. We had block parties. We knew everyone. In this day and age, I wouldn't even know my neighbor's name. I do, because I have delivered his mail. That is literally the only reason. I mean, sure we have had some casual conversations, but nothing like the days of old would have been. People truly cared for others. Nowadays that is a complete rarity. It sickens me the way that people are to others. It seems insurmountable that we as a society can overcome this. But we can, we just ALL have to try. If a majority of the world simply tries to be more compassionate and more kind, then we have a shot at changing society. But if we think that changing ourselves won't make a difference, we don't even have a chance. I believe in the good of humanity, and while I may not perfectly practice being kind to all others, I am aware that I should be. I am aware enough that I notice when my behavior is unacceptable and I try to change it.

I planned to talk about all the new generation thinking that they are entitled, and not having any work ethic at all. But I really feel that to be a topic that deserves its own post, as I have much to say regarding it. So just know that I consider this as much of a battle as I do racism.

All of these things are battles. They are my battles, and also the battle of society today. I could come up with a million more. I might, the next time I am feeling distraught or angry. Writing soothes me, and I needed soothing this morning. My wisdom is simple. Be kind, be compassionate. Be humane. Treat others as you would have yourself be treated. Form an opinion of someone based on their insides, their soul. Do not use the color of their skin or the gender they are, or choose to live as. Just look at who they are. Remember that in everyone is someone just like you, a human being with a story and a reason for who they are. Learn their story.

Stop making every day and every thing a battle. Life is too short to be forever fighting someone or something. Embrace who you are, embrace who others are. If they aren't your cup of tea, go the other way. Kindly and without malice. There is no need for so much hate. There is no need for bullying, discrimination, harassment. Just, be fair and just. Be kind. Notice I keep mentioning being kind. It is so important to the world. Let us stop battling everything and come together. Let us be as God intended, and be at peace with one another. And also, let's not forget to pray for others. If you aren't a God person, that's okay. Just think positive thoughts for them. And for real, if we could just follow the laws and do what is right, that'd be just great. It would certainly help my current situation out immensely.

The good news is that I do feel much better after all of the typing. I don't know exactly how my train of thought went where it went in all of this, but it all came from my heart and was all something I needed to say. I guess this was as good of a place as any. I hope you enjoy your day, and your week.

Jenn Pautsch
Jenn Pautsch
Read next: Never In the Cover of Night
Jenn Pautsch

I am a mom to three wonderful boys who are my world! I enjoy spending time outdoors, watching my boys play baseball, reading, writing, and relaxing. Most recently, I have been not driving across town much during the shelter-in-place order.

See all posts by Jenn Pautsch