All of my life I wanted to be a mother. When I was younger I wanted to have kids young. My mom had me when she was 20, about to turn 21. I loved having a young mom. My mind boggled at my friends who had older parents. I just thought having kids while you were younger would mean you would have more energy and be more interactive in their lives.
Today, I am sad. Don't get me wrong, I will laugh. I will function. I will go through the motions of my life. I know that tomorrow will be better. If not, the next day will. But for today, for right now, I am sad.
Today, I am angry. I am preparing myself for a battle. One that I will win. I have every confidence about that. But what I am angry about is that I shouldn't even have to fight for this. It is an injustice, and the other side is wrong for their behavior. What is happening is illegal, and will be resolved. It is being done to intimidate me and to get me to give up. I cannot specify any details regarding what is happening, because I am not risking it getting into the wrong hands and being used against me. I will only give these vague details, and say that they picked the wrong person to bully.
I have always wanted to write. There would be days that I would sit in class and write notes, poems, song lyrics, and even rough outlines for stories. As long as I was able to get the thoughts out onto paper, my mind would stay focused. Maybe you can’t imagine what it feels like to have a continuous stream of thoughts trying to push their way front and center. Or perhaps you can. But all I knew was that if I could be creative and get them out somehow, I wouldn’t be so incredibly restless. So agitated. What I didn’t realize then was that I would have a lifelong battle with anxiety, and writing was an outlet for me to keep it at bay. But that is a topic for another day. Probably numerous days. Today though, this is the glorious first time I am writing with every intention of putting it out for the world to see. I have no idea what road this will take me down, but I am ready to be heard as I make the journey.
I always knew that someday when I had kids I would be "that" mom. I would be overenthusiastic, loud, and unapologetic for my actions. There was never any doubt in my mind. As a teenager, I was an athlete and also a sport's girlfriend. And I was always there, always loud, and always opinionated. It didn't hurt that I loved all sports and had a working knowledge of what was happening. Of course, I had imagined having girls and envisioned a life full of cheerleading, softball, and volleyball. Or, if I had boys, it would be football. And then I had kids, and my oldest, at an extremely young age, showed quite an aptitude for baseball skills. So, baseball it was.