I am not sure what day of lock down this is. I can't remember if I social distanced before the shelter in place started. The reality of what is happening right now is so surreal that I can't do much besides function day to day in a weird twilight zone world. Grabbing groceries makes me feel like I am in Outbreak, or some movie about Zombies. What I do know is that it feels like eternity that my kids and I have been in close quarters. They certainly do not understand social distancing. From other people, absolutely. But from me? Nope.
Sometimes you just get stuck. In life, in everything. Currently, I am stuck with my writing. I am in the process of writing this book, chapter by chapter. So much of what I need to write is painful, and I know I need to write it. But I can’t write it out of order. At least, I am struggling with not writing it out of order. There are so many good things, great memories that I intend to share. It just seems like I can’t write those chapters until I get this pain out. I have literally been trying for weeks to come up with the topic of my next chapter, and I haven’t found one that satisfies me.
I am stalling. I have known since I finished the first chapter what comes next in this story. I cannot tell any more of my life without this chapter. So much of who I am, who I became, was influenced by the events in this part of my life. And I do not want to write it. It will open up a part of my heart that, even 30 years later, I can't handle emotionally. It involves the single most devastating loss I have ever experienced. But as I said, I can't tell any more of my story without it. I have tried to come up with a way to tell other things first, and I probably could fill up some pages with fluffy good memories. I could entertain you with my childhood. But those aren't the things that have shaped my story.
All of my life I wanted to be a mother. When I was younger I wanted to have kids young. My mom had me when she was 20, about to turn 21. I loved having a young mom. My mind boggled at my friends who had older parents. I just thought having kids while you were younger would mean you would have more energy and be more interactive in their lives.
Today, I am sad. Don't get me wrong, I will laugh. I will function. I will go through the motions of my life. I know that tomorrow will be better. If not, the next day will. But for today, for right now, I am sad.
Today, I am angry. I am preparing myself for a battle. One that I will win. I have every confidence about that. But what I am angry about is that I shouldn't even have to fight for this. It is an injustice, and the other side is wrong for their behavior. What is happening is illegal, and will be resolved. It is being done to intimidate me and to get me to give up. I cannot specify any details regarding what is happening, because I am not risking it getting into the wrong hands and being used against me. I will only give these vague details, and say that they picked the wrong person to bully.