Azure Note

I’ve been making music for 7 1/2 years as of writing this. And for as long as I can remember I’ve always said I was a mad mind or insane. I’ve recently been grappling with this concept after having to do some growing up and it’s frightening to say the least. After suffering a complete mental breakdown and being admitted into a psyche ward I find myself asking how far is too far now. I was content before while silently suffering telling myself “I’m stronger than this and I can handle it” however I now wonder if I’m genuinely mad or just mislead and it bothers me now.

One of the concepts I touch upon in my music is mental health. My songs can be seen as cautionary tales for those familiar with forlorn situations and vicious cycles, the same harmful patterns I aimed to quell in my own life. Through my music, however while getting caught up in the allure and my own mythos I fell. I thought I was used to falling mentally on hard times, but never like it was this time. I literally had no control of my own actions and holes in my memory unlike any that I’ve ever known. It struck legitimate fear into my heart and has me asking now, “who am I?” In the most genuine way I’ve ever asked before.

These days I feel naked, I feel open in ways I never realized it was possible to feel open in. I’m awakening to a side of myself that I had sought after for so long, however now I could do without it. It’s an adjustment to my new normal and I can now appreciate the saying “be careful what you wish for” in it’s entirety.

To lose your mind is to be deprived of all sense, to feel isolated trapped in 4 corners, knowing full well you’re in a 3 dimensional space and can leave at any time. I felt powerless, against my own will. It’s honestly the most beautiful and confounding thing I’ve experienced. On one hand I’ve been able to let go of my worries of the future and see life as an experience rather than a happening. Unfortunately on the other is the existential dread of an inevitable end to my current state of existence.

One becomes lost beyond all wording and can without a doubt lose your grip on what being a person really means. It almost feels like having a gaping hole in your head. The worst part is that I did this to myself while seeking enlightenment. What I’ve come to understand is that when faced with that enlightenment there is a mental cost associated with learning universal truths. It weighs heavily on one’s mind to have such information and to maintain it in a way that preserve’s one’s sanity.

Even writing these words now I wonder if I don’t sound like a mad man rambling into the darkest recesses of the internet for anything other than selfish satisfaction. A contribution of my experience to the whole of humanity I question what good it will do.

Now I seek satisfaction beyond anything else. These days my desire is to be content with everything that I put effort into and to put my all into it to ensure a satisfactory result. Despite retaining my eloquent nature I find that my interpersonal conversational ability has been lost.

After isolation I now wish to reconnect with people more than anything else and hope to remember however I got along knowing a fraction of what I know now. When you get to a point where you realize that there could be a reason for everything, but you’ll never fully know it that’s a lonely place. I always would get caught up in stories, however these days I like after stories.

The story of what happens after the fallout and all hype has died down, what happens then? I think about this being in a similar place in my life. How do you pick up a story after what feels like a dead end?