Anxiety

I get asked regularly what it’s like to live with anxiety and despite how much I try to explain it there simply is no short answer. Anxiety is not the same in every person, it is also not the same everyday, every hour, every minute and every second. I have been living alongside my anxiety for years so I can’t remember a time where I was living without it. My anxiety is such an essential role in my life and when I get asked “What is it like living with anxiety?” my first thought is always ‘ I don’t know, it’s the same as I’ve always lived’ which can be a bit confusing at times even for me.

But now down to the actual answer, living with anxiety; well it feels like I wake up with someone nagging at me about all the things I need to do that day or all the things I said I would do and never did, it’s attempting to leave the safe space that is my bed while simultaneously preparing myself for the long tired some day ahead of me. Sometimes I’ll find myself so overwhelmed by anxiety that I can’t manage to get myself out of bed and these days are the toughest. Once I manage to get myself out of bed I follow my routine which is breakfast, brush my teeth, and getting ready while listening to music and letting my dog into the backyard and then back inside when he scratches the door. This routine wasn’t ever something I wanted to start but it was a way my anxiety manifested and a huge part of keeping my anxiety from spiraling out of control is routine so although I don’t feel like completing my routine at times I do it nonetheless because I know if I don’t my anxiety will significantly harder to control. After completing my routine I check my phone for emails, messages, and notifications, around this time is when my parents get up and make their way into the kitchen to make their morning coffee. Having anxiety isn’t easy, it means I need lots of quiet and lots of time alone which is why it is a bit bothersome when my mother comes into my room with her coffee at hand and begins making conversation about things I don’t want to talk about when I don’t want to talk to begin with. I love my mother and my family but they think mental illnesses are not real and are not as serious as people make them seen, this makes it difficult to talk to them about why I do things the way I do so I often opt out to avoiding the whole topic altogether.

Living with anxiety is like living with another annoying and obnoxious person but being stuck at the hips. It’s difficult, frustrating, tiring, discouraging, painful, and overall it’s a very difficult process to go through day after day; but when you see progress such as being able to order your own food or making a phone call without having a panic attack, these accomplishments that seem so small to the outside world, you feel rewarded and all the effort you’ve been putting into managing and coping with anxiety disappears into a single word, worthy. The tears that were shed were worth the results, the frustration pent up night after night turned into a feeling so indescribable it could light up the night sky; living with anxiety is awful but it can also be rewarding in its own ways.

That’s my answer to the question “What is it like living with anxiety?” Thank you for reading.