Anxiety Can Not Always Be Seen

I have to speak out and make people aware of an issue that I recently come across.

I know a young lady who is a mum and suffers from anxiety, especially when getting out and about.

She becomes hyper-aware and panics on public transport and in crowds. She feels like she has butterflies in her stomach, she shakes, breaths fast and avoids sitting with others.

It only takes someone to look at her, or sit next to her for her to start panicking and feeling anxious. As a result, she tries to avoid going out as much as possible.

There is one big problem with this.

She is a mum to a young baby; therefore she has no choice but to hide and push through her feelings, even if it makes her feel uncomfortable.

This young lady recently had her Personal Independent Payment deducted on the grounds that she has a baby now, and has no choice but to go out.

PIP is a benefit that is paid to people in the U.K. who have disabilities, including mental health difficulties that severely affect their lives and stop them from doing the things they need to do or caring for themselves properly.

I claim PIP myself because my PTSD makes it hard for me to get out and about in daily life, without the use of my husband's car or a taxi. I have difficulties getting in a red car or taxi because I lost a boyfriend in a car crash that involved a red car, which I witnessed, so getting in a red car or taxi causes severe panic. It is the same when I cross a road.

My PIP enables me to access transport that helps me travel comfortably, and that can be difficult, because I have a fear of being attacked too which is also why I avoid buses, and if I have to use a bus, I have to seek reassurance from the driver in order to know I am safe.

However, I never feel safe on a bus; and I never felt safe getting a bus when I was a parent. I simply hid my feelings and pushed through it because I had to, as I was a mum.

Just like the young lady I am writing about in this story.

When we become parents; we have many responsibilities including school runs, appointments, shopping, taking our children out for leisure, and holidays and ensuring they get their needs met and get enough activity.

Parents who have mental health problems still love their children. They know that they cannot just sit around all day doing nothing, and regardless of how they feel; they know that they have to meet their child's needs.

A non-parent who has a mental health problem still has to try and get their needs met. They do not just keep themselves in; they try to do things in order to get well.

PIP are sending out the message that just because someone has become a parent, means that they can cope and are no longer suffering because they now have a dependent and have no choice but to do the things they are struggling with.

However, the young lady's appointment was on the telephone and not in person.

You cannot judge a mental health problem just by talking on the phone, because there is more to mental health than what a person says. You cannot see them shaking and panicking through a telephone; yes, you might sometimes be able to hear it, but then again you might not.

People with mental health problems do not react in the same way every time. Even if you are face to face with that person, you might not be aware of how seriously the problem affects them, because they may try to push the symptoms deep down inside of them, or be reluctant to tell you everything that is happening to them.

Even a professional working in a mental health team cannot make a judgement about a mental health problem, just based on a phone call or a few appointments.

It can take some time to understand or recognise a person's suffering when it comes to mental health.

There are many parents out there who are bringing up children while trying to cope with a mental health problem, and some of these parents bring up their children really well, even though they may be receiving a little support.

The young lady that I am talking about in this story was in tears after her PIP assessment. She felt stigmatized and judged.

For being a parent who struggles with mental health, and trying to look after her child in the right way. If a parent with mental health problems does not look after her children, then that would be neglect. This is the same for all parents whether they have a mental health problem or not.

When I was a parent in the past, my own mental health problems were serious. I was going through a lot of trauma at that time. Unless I had an extremely bad day or week, nobody would have known that I had a mental health problem. I would get my children ready for school or nursery, then I would ignore my own feelings whether physical or not, just to get them there.

Nobody saw the other side of me. That is me who would cry into my pillow for hours on end, me who would stay up late every night terrified that something bad would happen, me who attempted to harm myself and hide it, me who would have episodes where I would panic and shake violently until I was sick,

The me on my worst days who was so scared I couldn't leave the house without help. On my worst days, if I couldn't get the help I needed; I would push the fear down, pretend that everything was ok, and get my children where they needed to be.

I was always aware that my children come first, and I put myself through a lot of suffering by putting them first.

Having a child does not make the problem go away. However, a person with a mental health problem, whether it is anxiety or otherwise is not incapable of bringing up a child despite their struggles; nor does it mean that they do not have a problem.

Taking PIP away from someone who has a mental health problem just because it is assumed that they no longer need it, or reducing it because they can get out with their child and are now parents is stigmatizing and unjust.

It is like saying a child makes all of a person's problems go away, and this is wrong.

We need to change how benefits work for people with mental health disabilities in the U.K. because mental health is also physical health.

You cannot always see anxiety, but despite a person trying to push it away in order to cope; it is always there, whether they are parents or not.