Anxiety: A journey through poetry. Ep.1

Here we are. Bags packed. Ready for a journey of discovery into the heart and soul of anxiety. This series is for everyone. Whether you're new to anxiety or a veteran of many battles, one thing is certain; we have all experienced the same feelings. The tragic beauty of anxiety is that it is relatable. So by extension, as a community it should be easier to identify and support each other. However the bitter irony being that anxiety can, and often does, cause us to retreat into ourselves. Over the coming episodes, I will explore the raw feelings anxiety creates which many of us have but cannot communicate. The objective? Converting honest anxious experience into a creative medium that people understand, building bridges that form relatable connections with those in and outside our community and most importantly, understanding ourselves.

Ep.1: The Train.

This first episode discusses a poem that demonstrates the direct impact of an anxiety attack. For all of us that have suffered anxiety, the feeling of being out of control is all too familiar. The poem is not designed in a 'Shock and Awe' format. Nor is it aimed at generating despair. It is an authentic representation of a scenario in which every day anxiety suffers can correlate directly to a real life situation. Vis versa, people without anxiety can contextualize to create a genuine identification with the sensation.

The first time I experienced an anxiety attack I had no idea what it was. All of a sudden I felt nauseous, legs turn to jelly, loss of speech and coordination. I thought I was having a heart attack. No real trigger I could consciously identify just an energy dump that wiped me off the map. It happened a few more times over the course of 3 months and I thought maybe it's diabetes or low blood sugar? I left it undiagnosed (foolishly) until it came back with a vengeance. I can only liken it to being hit by a train. The speed and force of it crashing through my body. No warning. Nothing I could do to escape it. The poems primary objective is to express that attack as violently as it actually happens. You can close your eyes and genuinely feel the sensation. We've seen enough Hollywood to visualize it in our minds. The core of the poems structure will pull you into that moment but its nuances lend itself to the more complex aspects of anxiety.

As time moved on, my anxiety transitioned into drawn out crescendos of uncontrolled emotional and physical distress. People say "time is a healer" but for those with unchecked anxiety, time becomes a gateway for stress, overthinking and additional trauma. A stressful job, moving away from friends and a broken relationship were the icing on my anxiety cake. I'd lose concentration on the simplest tasks. Isolate myself further from friends and family. Heart pounding with adrenaline but unable to move or talk for days at a time. My mind thinking about everything and nothing at the same time until a 'brain buzz' brought a veil of paralysis. Full system shut down under a permanent anxiety attack. The poem looks to encapsulate the feeling of being trapped inside your own body. The sense of being bound and frozen but fully conscious of what you're experiencing. Knowing it is building up and the relentless onslaught of wave after wave, ploughing through your conscience.

The inspiration behind the poem is to help with the identification of anxiety so people reach the conclusion far quicker than I did. The key to defeating anxiety in the most basic of elements is to acknowledge its existence. Once you can inwardly accept it exists, then you can build on that foundation to work on how to manage it. Always remember, it is perfectly ok to have anxiety. Nature by default, hardwired the human body with adrenaline specifically to keep us alive. Your circumstances may feel unique but you are certainly not alone. If you think you may have anxiety, please speak to a friend, your local GP or Doctor. The quicker you identify it, the quicker you will get off the tracks and start learning to drive.