Angel Vs.Tide

3am-

I wake up from my sleep, silencing the buzzing from my alarm. I made sure to put my phone on silent as to not wake my mother- she’s a very light sleeper. I sit up straight- glancing around at my surroundings. A chocolate brown futon pushed up against the window in my mothers dining room, a green leaf patterned blanket laying on my lap, a black desk pushed into the corner- on top- a computer I purchased for a youtube career that I never had the courage to start. I sat silently for a moment- staring into the kitchen. Contemplating, I’ve experienced so much pain, is it wrong for me to want this to be painless? Dissociating, a memory popped into my head, a girl drowned at the lake across the street from my mothers apartment building. The girl was never found, the life guards would always warn the swimmers about going into the water on the wrong side of the divide; The tide could pull you under, you wouldn’t survive. A fleeting memory, it was time to get moving- my mother would be awake in 3 hours.

I quietly got dressed- grey capri shorts, a white and grey horizontal stripped shirt with the sides longer then the front and back. I tied a blue bandana around my recently shaved head, I did a terrible job. I had uneven patches of hair all over and I was embarrassed to be a woman- even in the middle of the night. I was embarrassed, I was ashamed, I was everything I was cursed to be. I slid on some brown and blue boat shoes, I wanted to try something new when I brought them- you know, switch up my style. Those were hands down my most comfortable pair of shoes. I was dressed in 5 minutes flat, I stood in silence for 10 more minutes- I was scared.

I heard another buzzing from my phone, a reminder set for 3:15am just in case I slept through the first alarm. I jolted from my trans, quickly silencing the buzzing, grabbing my blue medicine case, my keys, and purposely leaving my phone. Opening the back door a humid breeze hit me, I quickly shut the door behind me making sure to not let the air out. I stood atop the third floor apartment terrace starring out at the water, the perfect view-to die for. I needed to keep moving, my anxiety was starting to take over. I started down the metal black painted steps, pushing the intrusive spider webs to the side- being careful not to disturb their homes, I appreciated not having to fight through a swarm of nets. I always had a weird relationship with bugs, animals and inanimate objects- I always felt insignificant- a commonality, so I made sure to say bye to the spiders.

It was dead silent, so quiet- my steps sounding like thunder to me. I quickly shuffled down the side walkway to the entrance. I slowly turned the lock and opened the gate- cringing at the sound of metal rubbing metal. I slipped out and shut the gate slowly to try and muffle the noise; although I was already outside, I still worried about waking my mother. A deep breath in- I was free. I walked around the corner of my building to the 24 hour gas station that set right on the corner of Sheridan and Touhy. I opened the door hearing the ding dong sound, making sure to wave at the cashier. He would always flirted with me, but I knew he was just being nice- I clearly wasn’t attractive - I wasn’t even trying to be. He knew me as the girl who came in the middle of the night to buy enough snacks for 3 people, but it was all meant for me. Not this night though, this night I grabbed a mango flavored Arizona only. I placed the drink on the counter- immediately remembering I left my wallet, FUCK! I ruined the plan I screamed in my head.

“thats all for you tonight? No ice-cream, no chips, no white castle burgers?”- he asked, I could never really remember his name, but I remembered the shame. Ignoring the question I said “dang, I left my money upstairs” to which he replied-

“its okay, next time honey- you pay next time okay?” - Okay.

Exiting the gas station, I walked to the corner light with my Arizona in hand. The light was red, but once I realized no cars were coming I jay walked across the street. It was so silent, so quiet- my steps sounding like thunder to me. I glanced into the park, dark and empty- I wasn’t scared of a possible creep, I was scared of me. I was scared of becoming the very thing that made me lose sleep- I just wanted to be free.

I walked the bike bath until a met sand, the usual sounds of crickets were missing- I felt so alone. Once I hit sand, no longer protected by the trees- the moon found me. The sky was cloudy and grey not full of stars the way I imagined, but the moon found me. I walked on the beach until I met the concrete divide, about 3 feet wide- stretching into lake Michigan- the silenced now replaced by the roaring tide. I was scared and my heart was broken. I walked that concrete divide reliving every traumatic event over again in my head, my thoughts were out of my control- I made sure to keep balance, 3 feet was starting to feel like 3 inches as I rocked on the sides of my heels.

Once I hit the very edge of the concrete divide, I set down dangling my feet above the dark blue water. So dark I could only see the moons reflection as it moved in between the clouds. I set my Arizona beside me, taking my keys and blue case out of my grey capri shorts- I set them beside me as well. I cracked open the Arizona, taking a quick swig in order to wet my mouth. I then grabbed my blue case containing my medicine; little white pills that were meant to help me-but they just made me feel numb, they made me feel like I wasn’t really alive. I quickly pushed the little white pills out through the foil backing- a total of 25. I threw them into my mouth and quickly chugged the Arizona- accidentally knocking the can into the water once I was done. I was shook, I did it- I finally followed through on something, I was worthless up until this very moment.

I set leaning back on my hands, feet dangling as I admired the Chicago sky line. My thoughts were starting to quiet now, the roaring tides turned white noise, a high pitched ringing in my ears like a heart monitoring machine with no pulse. The ringing became louder- the numbness was nauseating- the fear was exhausting. Scooting closer to the edge of the divide, I made sure to angle myself in the direction of the ‘wrong side’. I leaned forward, resting my elbows on my thighs, holding my head in my hands I looked down between my feet at the water. I closed my eyes as the humid breeze became spine chilling, I thought of that brown futon as I rocked my self asleep- before I knew it, I fell into a dream.

HEY!!! HEY!!! ARE YOU OKAY!!!??? DO YOU NEED HELP!!!??

I hear a man screaming, but I can barely hear, I can barely open my eyes. My body was so heavy, I was in so much pain- I couldn’t speak. I could feel the water hitting my legs, the sand burning the back of my arms and the sun felt like the inside of an oven-it was so hot.

“hey, are you okay!? You look hurt, should I call someone…is everything okay” -a man said as he approached-

I was dazed, I didn’t understand, I was hurt, I thought I escaped.

I pushed myself up slowly, leaning my back against the concrete divide, moving my legs out of the water. My eyes were swollen, I could barely see.

“are you okay?” He said, he was closer now, standing over me- I nodded my head slightly.

“you don’t look so hot” he laughed, he was kneeling next to me now, I couldn’t see him but I could feel his energy.

I pulled my knees to my chest, resting my forearms on my wet capri pants and my forehead on my forearms, I thought why? How did I even end up here, why am I still alive!? I started to cry, making sure to cover my face- making sure to mask my shame. Balling my toes into the hot sand, I was so angry- I wanted to scream- but I couldn’t speak.

“would you like for me to call someone?” He asked-i shook my head no.

“hey, I promise you-it’ll be okay- I don’t know whats wrong, but it’ll be okay.” He kneeled by me in silence until I muttered “okay…” excepting my reality, excepting that I failed to exit, excepting that the tides didn’t want me either.

Patting me on the shoulder, the stranger stood back up and walked away, leaving me to my thoughts. I set for a while, letting the sun dry my pants as I starred into the blue sky, I felt like God was mocking me, laughing at me- this was my 2nd attempt. It was clear that I was not to leave this life until I accomplished whatever my purpose was for being alive. After some time had passed, I slowly stood up- noticing I no longer had any shoes. I tried my hardest to locate them with swollen eyes and blurry vision-but the only thing I could spot was the empty, macaroni orange colored, mango Arizona can floating in the water. I walked around the divide until I was able to climb back unto it, my body felt like I had gotten jumped, stomped and beat, as I starred down the divide- I spotted my keys. I could hear people around me now, I could feel the water drain out of my ear canals lessening the build up of pressure in my head. They sounded so happy, happy to wake up to another hot Chicago summer day, I felt like I was interrupting something not meant for me. I grabbed my keys and barefooted it back to my mothers apartment.

Once I got upstairs, I pulled my clothes off, set down on that brown futon and cried, I remember crying because I just wanted to leave, I wanted to be anything or anyone but me. I hated it here, I could not bare another day- well at least that’s how it seemed. I laid down, checking the time- it was after 10am. No texts, no calls, no notifications- my mother didn’t even notice I was gone when she left for work that morning. I meant nothing, I didn’t matter to anyone; I just balled up in a circle pulling my blanket over my head and fell back asleep.

Over the years I attempted to uncover memories about this suicide attempt because I wanted to know how I ended up on the shore, theres no way the tide would have simply washed me ashore without me drowning first, it just didn’t make any sense. For a long time I believed that I actually did drown but my soul was shifted into a parallel universe.

Recently I had a vidid dream about this suicide attempt. In the dream, I fall into the water and I get pulled under by the tide, but before I am lost- something starts to pull me. I immediately start to fight whatever is pulling me, I can’t see what it is because my vision is blurry. I think it was an angel.

Either way, I’m glad I didn’t die. Times are really tough for me right now- but I’m glad I didn’t die. I have since realized what my purpose is and why it is so important that I complete my soul mission before I die. I understand that my ancestors are relying on me to break generational curses and thats the reason why none of my suicide attempts resulted in death. I will not be allowed to leave until I do what it is I was placed here to do.

This is my shadow work.

Let me know what you think.