An Empty Cup

I've never been good at rest. I've spent my life feeling as though I always have to be working towards the next thing. The next goal is always on the horizon, waiting for me to look at it. Fighting a feeling of failure based on such an intangible concept is...kind of the worst. My goals are lofty. Difficult. Rarely ever attained in a day, and yet--nightly, my failure to attain them brings me to a low that I can't logic myself away from.

Unfortunately, knowing that your feelings are ridiculous doesn't magic them away.

So, for a while, I've been trapped in a downward spiral. Depressed because I feel unaccomplished, and having no energy to accomplish anything because I'm depressed. Finally, a realization hit. How could I accomplish anything? How can you pour from an empty cup?

This year, I'm aiming to do something a little different.

What if that part--filling my cup--was included in my goal steps. Holy crap! A revelation. (One that many have already had, I'm sure, but a win is a win!)

Here we are in 2022 and with the perfect opportunity for a fresh start. Therein lies my resolution: to specifically add restful items as an action step. For example, my to-do list might say:

1. Pick up the laundry

2. Work on chapter in novel

3. Play video games for 3 hours

Honestly, at first it seemed counter-intuitive. Write something so silly down on my to-do list, like it was actually important? The thing is, is is important! Doing those items are just as important to my goals as the more directly linked things. When I do things like play video games for however many hours, I feel recharged. I experience a story that allows my imagination to work and pull things in. I haven't rammed my head into a (figurative) wall for an hour trying to write.

And more than that, putting it on my to-do list gives me permission to spend that time doing that thing, i.e. I don't feel guilty about it anymore!

I'm not totally sure what do do without all that guilt. Without it weighing me down, I might just float into the sky, but then again that's exactly what I want.

Since I've started trying this, I have written more, slept better, and felt better than I have in ages and it seems so simple now. Some of my restful to-dos include:

Take a 2 hour long bath

Kitty time

Headphones time

The additional boxes on my to-do list sure make me feel more accomplished, too, which is an added bonus.

Doing this has also helped me reel in my to-do lists a ton. Whereas before, I might have had a two page to do list with 45 different tasks that would in no way get completed that day, along with my new category of to-dos, I'm trying to more accurately estimate the time that things take. This has allowed me to pare down my to-do list to items that I can actually get completed in a day, certainly giving my to-do lists a little bit more oomph.

Between these two things, I'm really seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm feeling both like I'm moving closer to my goals AND like I'm not going to go crazy while I get there. What a freaking concept. Focusing on both the journey and the destination. If, while doing the above, I can also work on getting more meditation in and expanding my yoga practice back to what it was pre-COVID, well, I can't do much better than that.

Self care is health care, after all.