A thankyou playlist to Christina Aguilera

This article is not an autobiography of Christina Aguilera. It is in fact a massively touching and heartfelt thankyou to one of my most admired females in the world of music of all time. This amazing singer picked me up at a time when my life shattered to pieces in ways that made me feel weak, vulnerable, pained, and more alone than I could have ever felt. During this time I was healing from a broken and traumatic past full of violence, abuse, and trauma including trauma from childhood and I had been raped, assaulted, and abused in ways that made me hate everything about myself, including my body. During this time, I lost my power, I became too weak to fight, and I blamed myself for everything I had been through, including all the violence. You'll know if you have read my previous articles, that I felt like a piece of dirt, who was only put on this earth to be a punchbag, and that I also spent so many years struggling with my sexuality, unable to come out because I was made to feel deeply ashamed of myself. You'll also know that I was left on the streets for a long time with no help, support, food, or shelter and that I was treated in brutal ways both before and after I ended up in that position. You'll also be aware that my mental health suffered severely and my own children ended up in the system, while I was ignored and got the blame for the violence by the very people who were supposed to help me, and that I went through a misdiagnosis of EUPD, a label slapped on me for many years after speaking out, then a re-diagnosis of PTSD, of which I am still recovering, and that I battled eating disorders, low self-esteem, low confidence, anxiety, depression, suicidal tendencies, and feelings and I had a bad love/hate relationship with my body which caused me to severely distort my opinion of myself.

Christina Aguilera and her music were and are still powerful weapons in my life. Her music makes me see that I am beautiful, valued, worthy, loved, powerful, smarter, and stronger than any of those abusers from my past. Her music enabled me to come out as bisexual and fully embrace it. Her music taught me that I was worth looking after myself and that loving myself is important. She taught me that I wasn't put here to be trampled on and walked all over and that I wasn't ever someone who should be forced to live in fear of my life at the expense of other people. She brought out 'the special' in me, and helped me unlock the prison bars I had built around me to a point where I could allow my whole beauty to shine. She enabled me to accept myself as a whole, flaws and all, and that nobody else's opinion of me mattered other than my own, and she gave me the strength to look into the eye of the storm and use my voice loud and proud. In a nutshell, she taught me what it was to be a woman and to not allow any man or woman to take my unique self away. She also taught me to embrace and love my body exactly as it is, something I struggled with more severely after my last C section which traumatized me around 11 years ago, after I almost died during the operation, and because my pregnancy caused my pelvic bone to fracture which means my tummy muscles never go back to their original strength. I am apple-shaped, and I tend to carry more weight around my tummy anyway. I am not overweight, just naturally shaped that way, however in a world where striving for a flat stomach seems to be the in thing, it can be easy to find myself putting myself down over my shape, especially when more men than women attempt to sexualize me and turn me into an object of their sexual desires. Today I say ' To hell with that!' It's taken me as I am, and if I'm not good enough for you, there is always someone out there who will appreciate me more!

I can accept I lost a lot while going through that trauma, including my now adult children to the system. I didn't lose them because I didn't love or care about them. I lost them because the severity of that trauma left me so unwell, I was unable to parent safely as I was recovering from a severe mental illness that interfered with my ability to be the parent I wanted to be. My children went through a lot of emotional heartaches seeing the pain I was in, and at the time, they were far too young to look after themselves when I was ill. However, despite that, they know they were and still are loved, and even though we disagree at times, they will always be loved even though they are now mostly grown up, unconditionally and no matter what.

Through listening to Christina's songs, I have been able to learn to value and love myself including my bisexuality (which I covered up for many years due to violence and bullying) in ways I never thought possible. I can now accept myself as a whole person, and I am very resilient in the sense that I no longer allow anyone to tell me who I should be or condition me in anyway. Obviously a female cannot control how others want to treat her, but she can use the power off herself to get herself and her children safe and free from violence with the right support and help. As I was left vulnerable with no help and support at that time, including on the streets where I almost died, I spent a lot of time researching independent support as I started getting well. If I am ever faced with that again, and I have children, I now have a world off resources and safe places at my finger tips and from the first sign off abuse, I am not afraid to use them even if I have children. In the past, I had no knowledge or access to these resources, and I felt helpless. Today there is more domestic violence and abuse awareness than there ever has been, and there are many professionals out there who are more than willing to give a helping hand to anyone, whether they have children or not who are in a dangerous and abusive situation.

I cannot thank Christina enough for the way she has empowered me by helping me to recognise myself through her music. I still have 2 boys in the system, one who was adopted because off my situation and another with disabilities who I lost contact with after a situation with a family member scared him. I was writing regular letters to my biological son who was adopted, but just before he was adopted my beloved gran died, and a few years later I lost my stepdad. I have struggled with no support from the authorities in writing my letters, despite asking for it, and I have had to take some years to heal as writing those letters can be very emotional. The authorities do not consider how painful losing any parent and close family member can be for a parent who loses a child to adoption. They seem to think that parents have to hide their emotions and simply get on with it. However, given my situation and the nature of the adoption, writing those letters has been deeply painful, and I have been going through a process off deleting and re-writing them. However, Christina's music has helped me realize I am stronger than I was back then. She has helped me understand that I must do what is important to me, and that it is ok to grieve, and now I am ready to write that letter and also to attempt to find my other son. I also have another daughter, of which Covid-19 and the impact on my husbands disabilities has made contact impossible. I have written to her and I will write again, because although I am told she says nobody gave her my letter, I do keep copies and I'm ready to bring my family back together no matter what.

My past is over, those bullies and abusers can no longer get to me. Trauma can change a woman, and make her more powerful than ever. I am 44 years old, and I am ready to change my world, and without wanting to go into details, that is about to change in other ways, except this time it's going to be better than it ever has been.

I will now leave you with a playlist dedicated to the beautiful powerful lady who changed my life:

Thank you for reading my article. I love hearts and tips very much, though tips are optional. they do enable me to buy books and write which I love most of all. You can also read more stories here:

https://vocal.media/authors/carol-townend