A Piece Of Me

Just a warning to start out... This content may be triggering, may bring up some emotions, feelings... but it is my story being told by me in hopes to inspire, educate, and provide motivation, hope, and healing. Be gentle to yourselves, please.

So, straight to the point. I am a proud Texan, have conservative, mixed minority parents that grew up during the civil rights era... a completely different time and generation. My dad is black, from Georgia and Chicago, and was a CMS in the USAF. My mom is from Taiwan. So much discipline, as one can imagine, but not much else. It was "tough love" as we now refer to it. I think the most damaging thing for me, was that there were no emotions expressed or shown really in my family. No hugs, holding hands, kissing... I am what is called the "black sheep of the family" due to the facts that I am expressive, vocal, more masculine than feminine, and extremely blunt and honest, almost to a fault. Growing up, my family thought I was gay. I was constantly made fun on, in and out of the home. I was a die-hard tomboy, and now wish that I would have just been able to be just that. It has been hard. Now that I am older I see that many of us with older parents can understand, but many cannot.

Don't let anyone tell you that the healing journey to know yourself, starting all the way back to childhood, is easy or not worth it, because both of those are lies and here is why:

1. Mental health crisis is real.

2. Trauma is real.

3. Generational curses are real.

4. Depression, anxiety, suicide, etc. are real.

5. Mental health issues can be passed down through generations.

6. Why have you felt that no matter how hard you chase it, you can never reach true happiness?

7. Have you ever experienced real joy? Like real real joy...

8. Can you take compliments or does it make you feel uncomfortable?

9. Do you feel valued in your life, friendships, relationships?

10. Do you value yourself?

11. Do you seek validation?

12. Are you hesitant or in denial about needing or wanting to go to counseling, therapy, psychology?

13. Are you codependent or independent by nature? (Are these even real things, or something that is taught to us?)

I could keep on, but you get the gist, and we hear it all the time but it isn't working because lives are still dying.

Healing. Is. Vital.

For your past self, present self, and future self... But to take it even further, it is vital for your future kids lives too, and those generations to come.

I started counseling about 2 years ago now and it honestly saved. my. life.!!! I cannot express it enough. I have always loved to be open, transparent, blah blah blah, but looking back on it, was it real back then or was it just me convincing myself that I was? THAT PART

My journey began almost 3 years ago now after I finally ended a terrible and highly abusive relationship that lasted 3 years, and then he began stalking me for about a year and, of course, lying to everyone back home about it, even though I had already moved to another state! It was just the best. (sarcasm) But even though I was in pain at the time, scared for my life, scarred internally, and so openly vulnerable, like a deer during hunting season (literally), I needed all of it. Every single tear, every single trigger, every single PTSD episode, every single painful night and morning, every single moment mattered, and made me the woman I am today.

You see, he wasn't just verbally abusive, he was manipulative, impulsive, and insecure. He hid behind his white privilege and awkward ways to make everyone think that I was the bad guy, but some saw it first hand and just chose to never speak up about it. They witnessed the beatings, the choking, the arguing, the bottles that were thrown, the abusive drunk nights due to his jealousy, the cussing, the kicking me out in the middle of storms, the locking me in his room so none of his roommates saw or could speak to me (again, jealousy). It was hurtful. Beyond that, it was damaging, emotionally, mentally, and physically. But the one incident that would reshape my life was the rape...(and there it is). So many people ask survivors "why" they stay, "why" they put up with that, "why" why" "why"... What a stupid and ignorant reply... What a stupid and flat out ignorant and unsympathetic response... BUT to answer those same questions we wrecked ourselves over for so long about:

1. Stockholm syndrome is a real thing.

2. What is love? (And not the song, but in real life, plain and simply put)

3. Who were you at the time? How were you taught to be loved?

4. Maturity

5. Childhood

6. Influences

7. The constant 'I love you's' before, after, and during the abuse

8. Manipulation (constantly)

9. Caring too much and thinking the abuse is love and that the person will change, and that you will be the one to help them change...

10. You honestly know no different

You see, it was my boyfriend so it couldn't have been rape... right???

No like, seriously... it wasn't... he didn't just... he couldn't have... BUT HE DID. And THAT was a very large very hard pill to swallow with absolutely nooo water at all... (And still very much is almost 3 years later.)

Once those words came up, it had already been about 2 years since the whole thing ended, I was spiraling ever so slowly but no one knew. I was suffocating on the words, on the thoughts. I was in constant pain. Never being able to speak it, think it, I just had to keep moving... keep living... keep up the facade of who everyone thought I was, and soon enough it will all go away............ Oh, my friends, if only that is how it all works. (soft smiles)

The words came out one day to my old best friend who was soul tied to me at that particular moment in my life, because I needed her... I am convinced this person was God sent because right when I started to gain confidence and leave the past behind me, our relationship disappeared just that fast. And let me tell you this, those was the darkest two years of my life. I do not think anything will ever top that particular moment in time. I lost my grandma (who was my life), lost a sorority sister, and almost lost my dad (God works miracles, don't you ever forget it), and then was forced to finally uncover my deepest wound yet. I was wide open. I was cut completely open with salt poured in, and it was so irritated.

And so there I was. At the bottom of the devils cave being tormented alive. It wasn't just my physical, mental, and emotional, but my spirit was dead too. And that is the most dangerous position to ever be in.

My body hurt everyday. I couldn't get out of bed. I cried everyday. I was in high functioning depression mode. But thank GOD for the people around me who told me that it. was. time. to go to counseling. TO FIND HELP. TO HEAL. TO GET BETTER. TO TALK TO SOMEONE. And I knew that if I didn't then I would surely die, and that is what the devil wanted.

I wish I could tell you that it was just that easy. That I found my counselor and it's been all rainbows and butterflies ever since. I feel like that is what they try to persuade us of constantly on social media... They are always selling us falseness, absolutely nothing real. But that is why we exist. This is why we share our stories, and at the same time, many don't, and that is completely okay too. Because what do people do to rape survivors? To domestic abuse survivors? They tell us we are liars. they torment us in courtrooms in front of our peers, our parents, put our vulnerability and trauma on display. They tell us constantly that we don't really know what happened. That we were asking for it (that's a crowd favorite). They ask us what we did to deserve it, right? Except none of that makes any sense to me. When most rapes are committed by people the victims/ SURVIVORS know/knew...

In recovery, I had severe trauma, since I had finally uncovered a traumatic experience that my brain tried to save me from (aren't our bodies amazing?). I went on to have severe paranoia, PTSD for about a month, and many many MANY triggers that are still being learned about today. I am still not fully healed, and I am still in counseling and still learning about myself.

I am learning:

To be gentle with myself

To be patient with myself

How to recognize my anger and where it is coming from

Managing my triggers

Acknowledging and managing my PTSD

How to love healthily

How to say I am okay or not okay, and allowing me to be that

How to control my anxiety and depression

How to be joyous even after all of it

How to live fearlessly (I am very far from this one)

How to set boundaries

How to acknowledge myself when others don't

How to speak my truth and be okay with it

How to start saying yes

How to lean into my discomfort (COVID has helped me a lot with this)

How to tear down my security walls and allow love to flow in and out

How to meditate

How to know what my body needs

Not to give into my anxiety and get overstimulated

How to address myself in times of anxiety and over-stimulation

How to love myself fully (a lifetime and daily process)

ALL of these things I just listed above are not just for trauma victims/survivors, they are for all of us. And we all go through trauma in our lives. And we can all learn to be a little kinder to ourselves, more accepting of ourselves, and more free flowing in our everyday lives.

And so this piece is for you. And I thank you and I acknowledge your existence. On behalf of me, my inner child, and my healing process, I thank you for taking time to acknowledge my life, and all that has made me, me. I pray for you on your spiritual journey, and send hope to your daily you.

Namaste.