... a letter to the one my soul loves

The Secret Diary of a Spiritual Vagabond

08.24.2022 1:44am

(Letters that I’ll never send)

To the one I wanted:

The one that I dreamed of. The one I thought I would one day end up with. The one I knew I would love.

The one I felt so deep in my soul.

Where do I begin? I can’t start at the beginning of our story. In the beginning there was a spark. In the beginning there was hope.

Spark. Slow burn. More sparks. Upheaval. Glimmer of hope. Sparks. Epic moments. Nothing.

Where did you go?

Like hello? I know that I didn’t do anything wrong. All things were in a beautiful state of flow… just like all the songs that turn out to be my favorites. The ones you play on repeat. The ones you love.

But where did you go?

“Ghosting” has got to be the most irritating energy ever. “Ghosting” for no reason specifically, is what is irritating. I fully get that energy is well deserved sometimes and when it has been, I have also been sure to serve it. It’s infuriating when it is undeserved. I mean, I still showed up the way I had been at all stops along the way. I didn’t change. Why did you? That’s not even the question I want answered. What do I want? What do I want from you? Nothing. I want nothing now because you give nothing.

Wanting only hurts me more. Wanting anything at all from you since you vanished into thin air has proven to really sadden my soul.

I don’t want that, and I don’t need that. I know that I showed up in all the ways you wanted and didn’t even know you needed, but you pushed me away. You pushed me so far out to sea, that I can no longer see the shore.

So, what am I fighting for? Why am I holding any space for you when you can’t even see me? You can’t even say goodbye. You just ran. And continue to run.

Go ahead. Run.

I am not chasing you. I won’t ever chase you. You walked out the door and I didn’t stop you. You kept walking and I didn’t call out after you.

You know where I am. You know where you left me. But here’s the plot twist. I am not waiting for you to come back.

You could have just been honest with me. I was honest with you. In every moment. And that should make it okay for me to shut the door.

I’m done hanging by a thread. That’s not love.

So, I am writing to you to tell you goodbye. The thing you should have said when you left and knew you weren’t coming back.

Goodbye.

Goodbye to all the dreams I had. Goodbye to all the dreams we shared. Goodbye to everything we had and wanted to have. Goodbye to you. Goodbye to you, because you walked out of the story before it was over. Goodbye to all the words still left unwritten. All the things left unsaid. All the things that will not ever be.

Goodbye.

Goodbye to the part of me that wanted you. Goodbye to the part of me that believed in you. The part that saw the best in you. The me that rooted for you, even in the silence. Goodbye to the part of me that thinks it should be you and I in the end.

I signed up for our love story. You walked out of it without an explanation. And I don’t even blame you. Go. Be free. I hope that you find what you need so you can show up in your own story. I have to go now, so that I can show up in mine.

-From the one that always loved you

PS You didn’t ghost me. You ghosted yourself.

PPS- to all the rest… the ‘others’ who ghosted me, you are all now ghosts to me too