A Goodbye to my Father

Dad,

I wonder if you look down and see the harm that was done by your death, did you ever think? I used to be so angry with you, asking and screaming up to the sky, "why did you do this to me?" However, it was never about me, it was about you. I was so selfish to think you did not think about your daughter, to not realize how much pain you were in to push yourself to do what you did. You were in pain and you could no longer find the help to heal your aching heart.

Your death was the biggest, catastrophic event to take place in my life, did you know that? I watched my mother, your wife, scoop the blood pouring from your head; trying to save you. I watched you bleed out. One minute you were making me a cup of chocolate milk and the next your brains are splattered on the walls.

I was so angry for the longest time, I could never form a connection with anyone because my brain began to believe everyone would leave because you left me within seconds and now I can only remember you as a memory. I have to continue with my life as if you were never here because how can I ever heal from this? You don't understand, I am terrified.

I will never be able to hear wise words from my father, be walked down the aisle at my first and only wedding. I will never be able to introduce my children to you; all I have left of you are stories and memories that are slowly fading away. Please, don't go. Please, don't leave me in this horrible life without you in it. Please, walk by my side.

I walk the world seeing children with their fathers, envious I will never get to experience the wonders of having a father by your side. You once told me, you would be there and love me no matter what, are you here? Are you coming back? I lay in bed, hoping and praying I will go to another reality where you are still here. Maybe we are going for a grocery run on a regular Saturday afternoon, blasting music with the windows down and cracking jokes and after grocery shopping, we go to our favorite ice cream shop or drink chocolate milk while watching the sunset. I wonder where we would be in life if you were still here. Where would you like to be, dad?

If there was one thing you could do for me, lead me to the man of my dreams. Because I know you would bring me the right man, who will never hurt me as the men have in the past. Will you bring him to me? Will you bring me the man that will make me forget the pain of knowing you are gone? Bring me the man that will make me forget that this is reality and I have to wait to see you... Bring me the man who truly understands me, because I know you would have if you were here.

I hope the afterlife is treating you well, I hope it has eased the pain we could not ease ourselves. I hope you are finally at peace within your mind, dad. I hope you see me on nights where I cry for you, and I hope in those moments you wrap your arms around me and stay there until I fall into a deep slumber into the dreamland where you are there, by my side. I hope you are still here, looking down on me and leading me into the life you want to see me live. I love you, always and forever.

Love,

Your daughter.