50 years in the wrong identity pt.1/A

Hello,

welcome to a day inside the head of a C-PTSD survivor. Whats is C-PTSD? is not what this article is about, google it, and while you're at it, you may start to realise that C-PTSD covers most illness outlined in the DSM-5.

It's just about how I function during a normal day.

I usually wake late 9:00, or 9:30, as i spend nights in the clouds of worry and anxiety till the wee hours of the morning. Me and the demons going round after round inside my head the battles continue, endlessly.

As I live with my son (14yrs) I ensure he's had something for breakfast and a cup of tea. This year with COVID and a child who on his best days hates school, mainly the environment. We have begun home schooling which suits us both really as it allows us to work within our own time frame and pace.

Funnily enough you might learn we are both fairly high achievers, like to give things our all, or at least a very good attempt. For me though here's where things get difficult. You see C-PTSD comes with a calamity of other similar mental health criteria or symptoms. I have apparently been chronically depressed since 18, have morphed into a seperate (albeit linked) diagnosis of Adult ADHD.

So after my child is seen to, I usually have a coffee and croissant so as i have something for my morning medications to travel down into my gut on. These include Zoloft (sertraline) now down to 50mg, and blood pressure meds. Mid morning is my first dose of dex amphetamine, I like to think of it as my concentration time, I usually get a good 60 - 90 mins relief from the dysfunction which is my mind.

I currently am not working so I am attempting to re create my musical ambitions of my youth and carve a niche for myself in the world of online music, more about that in another episode. I will sit at my computer for that "Dex" time and hopefully open my music software, I say hopefully because if I had youtube opened the night before and I sit down even that can be enough to send me down the rabbit hole of random videos and music is forgotten about for that day.

I spend some part of the day usually pining for a relationship I recently lost, until I walk past the fridge and see the sign I placed there "How much do YOU value YOURSELF?". At the ripe age of 50 I think I will have to admit defeat in the relationship department, I mean it gets a bit long in the tooth at this age to expect any form of female interest to be an instant replacement for the mother who rejected you, they don't get it , you know its based on the wrong foundations and with me a bit of Borderline personality raises its head and analyses "everything" as an aside to happiness.

Theres an irony though isn't there, I mean I can count on one hand the amount of times I have genuinely been happy.

Anyhow, where were we? Ah yes its about lunchtime, I may have done a small amount of work in the morning, or not. But lunch you see is another distraction. So once we've both eaten for some reason I get very tired mid afternoon, usually around 2 0r 3 pm I'll be lying down, for a siesta maybe 45 mins. Come 4pm its dex time again and then I can work right up until dinner needs to be made.

It's good to write this down, I can already see why I often feel like a pinball being thrown around a machine. So most days planning is out the window, there is little routine as the many times I've tried is just another HUGE failure so I don't try anymore.

Evenings may have some work involved in them, but such again is not a guarantee. By the very end of the night I'm usually slightly stoned and happy to shut my head up for a while, again though this is definitely not a guarantee.

So much yet to be explained and many questions left unansered, which is why it might be best to follow this series and see if I can at least stay to task on this writing adventure of mine.

stay tuned, ... more soon