5 Ways to Begin Taking Back Your Life After Narcissistic Abuse

If you’re reading this, I’m guessing you’ve experienced something no person should ever experience —betrayal served by the cold heart of a narcissist. And though you didn’t understand who or what you were dealing with during the relationship, you’ve now become a grieving student of all things narcissistic abuse.

Your head is likely swimming with terms like love bombing, future faking, cognitive dissonance, devaluing, and discard. And now you’re revisiting each memory and torturing yourself with questions like “Why didn’t I see the truth sooner?” or “Why did I put up with that treatment for so long?” or “How could someone who claimed to love me hurt me so deeply?”

I get it. I’ve been there, too. Two years ago, my world disintegrated right before my eyes when I discovered the previous two years of my life, and my relationship was just a heap of lies and deceit.

There’s no timeframe or magic formula to heal. However, here are five steps you can take to start the process of reclaiming your life.

1. Go no contact and stay that way.

Yes, NO contact. Forever. Block them. This means blocking all of their social media accounts. Block their number on your phone. Block their email. Actively think through any way this person might try to hoover you back in and stop it before it happens. I know it’s hard. I know there’s still an attachment to knowing if they are trying to get a hold of you because it feels validating.

But please remember — the narcissist doesn’t care about you. It was never about you as a person. Just you as an object to give them attention. Don’t give them the chance to pull you back in. Their behavior is not going to change! This person’s mind functions in a disordered way and you can’t love them well.

You CAN’T love them well!

2. Educate yourself.

Find reputable sources and learn everything you can about narcissistic abuse. When you’re able to understand the driving forces behind narcissistic behavior and decode the patterns, it will help you understand how you fell into the trap, and ultimately this knowledge will help you start to heal.

I recommend starting with Dr. Ramani on YouTube. She’s made videos answering just about every question you can possibly think of regarding narcissistic abuse. There are many other great resources on YouTube as well including Dr. Les Carter and Richard Granan. Find someone who resonates with you and learn everything you can.

Knowledge truly is power.

3. Set time limits on ruminating.

At the beginning of your healing process, you are going to think yourself in circles for days or weeks, or months. This is normal, however, it’s not exactly healthy and can take a major toll on your daily life. I spent countless hours on my couch just staring at a wall for the first few months. My mind went over every single detail over and over again 24 hours a day. When it started to seriously impact my job, I asked my therapist what I could do and she gave me this trick.

Every day, set a schedule for when you’re going to let yourself think about it and train your brain to stick to the schedule. I gave myself 15 minutes an hour — which sounds like a lot however was actually much less than the 24-hour cycle I’d been stuck in for months. I’d set a timer and then for 15 minutes and I’d think about whatever thoughts went running through my mind. Then, when the timer went off, I’d tuck it away inside my head and do my best not to think about any of it until the next allotted time slot.

This was not easy at first. However, with practice, I slowly started to gain control of my thought patterns again.

4. Dig deep and get to the root of the abuse in your life.

This sounds difficult and scary because it is. However, this step is absolutely necessary if you want to stop the cycle and start making better choices for yourself in the future. I’ve yet to meet anyone who has been the victim of a narcissist but had a wonderfully happy upbringing. In fact, what I’ve learned is that we’ve all been the subject of some form of mistreatment starting from a very young age.

Prior to my last relationship, I was aware that there had been a number of awful people in my life, however, I didn’t have the knowledge or the words to give it a name. I went with the “that’s just the way he/she is” explanation to justify people’s bad behavior. As I learned more and more about narcissistic abuse, I started to see the pattern of toxic people in my life. I traced the pattern all the way back to my mom. And then I started to understand how my own understanding of “love” was disordered due to my upbringing. This was the root of the reason why I gravitated towards dysfunctional people as an adult.

5. Start setting boundaries

Are you still unsure of who the toxic people are in your life? Start setting boundaries and see how they respond.

Narcissists HATE boundaries and will do everything they can to trample all over yours. They'll tell you you're selfish for holding your ground. They'll try every manipulation tactic they have in their arsenal. And then you'll know the truth. People who don't respect others cannot respect boundaries. Walk (run) away.

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If you’ve spent a lifetime catering only to the needs of others without any understanding of how to take care of your own needs, setting boundaries is not going to be easy at first. You’re going to feel extremely selfish every time you say no. You’re going to want to immediately apologize when someone makes you feel guilty for setting a boundary. Don’t give in. Hold your boundary. Honor your own needs. This is how you take the power back that you’ve likely spent a lifetime giving away. This is how you take your life back.

Lastly — I want to touch on something very important.

While you are healing, please, please, please do not go running into a new relationship. If you do so before you’ve learned to take control of your life, you’ll very likely repeat this cycle.

Narcissists can smell blood in the water and you are still bleeding.

Please take the time to go within and figure this out. You deserve to do this for yourself. The joy you’ll find if you give yourself the gift of healing is impossible to explain. But it’s there — waiting for you. I promise it is.