When It All Made Sense

We're all to familiar with that question asked when you're younger, "What do you want to be when you're older?" Little me sitting in the backyard making mud pies with rose petal garnishes wanted to be a chef. That quickly changed to wanting to start a band when I heard the end credits song for the original Michael Bay Transformers movie. Drumming on those pots and pans made me realize, loud noise and headbangs weren't really my thing. Then you get on the computer for the first time at the school library and think, "What makes this tick?", so you start getting into computers.

No matter how many different interests I had, I always thought what I wanted to be, and I rarely thought who I wanted to be. Come 5th grade, all the boys were chasing the girls, figuratively and literally. They tried impressing them with their new shoes that "made them run faster" or picking up the most chairs to set up the class activity for the day. Myself, however, the cutest boy was my focus...while at the same time that girl had a pretty smile? I didn't think much of it until I watched Disney movies where prince charming rescued his damsel in distress.

I mean, was I the weird one for not having a damsel in distress? Was I the weird one for wanting to be the damsel in distress? Wouldn't I have to be a girl to be in that situation? But I'm a boy? But I like make up, dolls, and dressing up? That doesn't inherently make me a girl? I'm a boy that likes girly things?

Around middle school, the confusion became even worse. One silver lining was I wasn't the only one on my path. I found out other boys liked boys, girls liked girls, and some people didn't feel comfortable with how they were born?! Naturally, I became friends with these people and learned all their identites, but still couldn't label myself? Who am I?

Also around this time, plenty of people made me out to be a freak... The locker room was the worst after some people found out. "There's the freak!" "Careful! He might try to kiss you!" "You better not be looking at me, weirdo!" Was I really that weird? I was happy with me, how does that affect your life? Maybe I am the weirdo...but does that make my friends weird too?

It wasn't until high school I started to become and feel really accepted. I met all kinds of friends who loved and supported me, I kissed a boy and a girl, I found I'm attracted to everyone despite how they present. It all started to make sense.. I'm Pansexual... I'm Non-Binary! I love all and I don't have to be a boy or a girl to do it! I'm me, and I'm happy!

Ultimately, it was a long, rough, confusing journey, and it still might not be over. Who knows what the future has to bring, but I'm ready to take it step by step. Identity, sexuality, titles; these things all take time to figure out, but you have to stick with it, roll with the punches, and dust yourself off, and show your true colors no matter what they are! Success and beauty both have "U" and that means something. Whoever you are, whatever you become, whatever you accomplish, it'll be amazing. Billions of years, millions of stars, thousands of cities, hundreds of notable periods of time, but one you. Pretty impressive, right? Glow bright and leave your mark! Hopefully now it all makes sense.