Two For One

I feel like my life consists of false binaries. All of which I've been unable to fall on either side of. I'm neither gay nor straight: I'm bisexual. I'm neither Arab nor American: I'm Arab-American. And so on and so forth.

In our society, the things and people that don't seem to fit into a nice neat box tend to be broken and manipulated until they do; they get broken down further and further until all that's left are the pieces that were deemed acceptable for mass consumption.

The people are told that they'll be happier now that they fit in, and the things that were left unwanted like misfit toys are suddenly flying off the shelves. And the world keeps spinning on and on.

You may be left wondering: what happens to these people after they're made to change?

Well, let me tell you: they feel lost. Not in anything so trivial as what they're doing with their lives, or where they are. No, it's far more troubling, they've lost who they are in their core; their truest self.

Growing up I was always aware that I wasn't quite like everyone else. I knew that I saw things a bit differently and that feeling continues today. Part of it is the trauma I grew up with, but not all of it. I suppose another part of it was constantly needing to defend my family from those whose ethnocentrism could've been documented for case studies. But the largest part of it has still yet to make itself known.

Though I believe people are more than the sum of their parts, there are days where I feel like an odd patchwork quilt of eccentricities and it leaves me feeling extraordinarily torn.

I feel as though I'm being torn in two different directions at all times. I have the external patchwork and I have the internal mysteries that even I have yet to unravel.

I find myself sitting with someone that I thought I was getting closer to, and suddenly I notice an internal struggle. Do I hide my personality so that things are easier between us? Or do I act like myself and risk alienating yet another person as my, seemingly niche, personality scares off yet another person.

So, why write this? What's going to change?

To be honest I don't know. But, I see writing this as a flare being sent up. If other misfit toys out in the world feel that this is the same for them, maybe they will see this as helpful in some way. I say this in all honesty: reach out to me!

Maybe nothing will come of writing this and throwing my conscientiousness out in the world will prove fruitless but in the off chance that it speaks to someone, I figure it's worth a shot.

If ever you find yourself feeling outside what should be your own community, let me know. It's an isolating feeling that can break you down and make you feel alone. And if you're feeling that way listen to this here and now: you're not alone.

You being who you are is not wrong. You have a right to be what and who you are. There are hateful people in the world but here is your voice of support: you are exactly what you are supposed to be.

Stay who you are. The beautiful wonderful enigma that you are is just the way it is supposed to be.