I Tried a Queer Dating App and Almost Got Scared Straight
Diving into the intimidating world of dating as an inexperienced bisexual
Lipstick lesbians? Pillow princesses? Daddies?
These were all brand new terms I encountered when I downloaded a dating app designed specifically for queer women. HER (the app in question) allows women to place badges in their profiles with titles like the ones listed above to let other women know what kind of queer they are.
Badges like top, bottom, switch, dom, masc, femme were all ones that made sense to me. I had watched enough RuPaul’s Drag Race to be familiar with basic LGBTQ+ terminology. But considering that I had only just come to terms with my bisexuality and didn’t even know whether or not I was a bottom, top, or switch, the new labels did nothing but cause me anxiety.
Being on an app with other women who were clearly far more experienced than I was in the ways of queerdom, made me feel like the new kid at a far bigger school than I was used to. I pushed forward for awhile on the app, swiping right, but when the conversations started to center around things like coming out and past dating experiences, it seems like I started to take myself out of the running without even trying.
Having to admit to those I was interested in that, technically, I am still in the closet and that I’ve never actually dated or hooked up with or even kissed another woman before, proved to be a turnoff for more experienced queer women. One even asked me the question “how do I know this isn’t just an experiment to you?” And though the question is valid and now I can understand her concerns, at the time, it hurt.
It felt as though I wasn’t “queer enough" to find myself in a space like that. Just like how I often found myself having to prove myself in the straight world, I now found myself having to do the same thing in the queer world.
Being bisexual and having an attraction to men, has proven to be one of the biggest obstacles in my queer journey. For one thing, because I knew that I was attracted to the opposite sex from a young age, it made it easier for me to dismiss the idea that I might not be straight. And if anyone questioned it — myself included — I could just point to my past relationships and/or crushes as evidence.
And being that I have only been in relationships with men and have only just started embracing the label of bisexual in the past year and a half or so, it can make other queer women give me the side eye. Especially because in recent years, it has become more socially acceptable for straight women to have an experimental phase when it comes to their sexuality. And just like me, other queer women are just trying to protect themselves against people who see them as an experiment or something they fetishize.
Since coming to terms with my sexuality, it has been difficult for me to express it to straight men in my life, in particular. Because it opens the door to fetishization, cueing the fantasies of threesomes and the inappropriate questions about how far I’ve gone with a woman. And the even more annoying reality is that now they feel comfortable enough to explain their sexual conquests to me in vivid detail because now that I’m bisexual, they feel that I must also see women as sexual objects.
In some ways, my life was easier when I was still posing as straight. At least it certainly was when it came to dating. Unfortunately, opening myself up to more than one gender when it comes to romance, has not expanded my dating pool. In fact, it feels like it has decreased it. But that’s okay. Maybe this is just what I need to narrow the list down to finding my potential partner.
I guess we’ll call that bisexual selection.
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-Chanté
About the Creator
C.R. Hughes
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Comments (21)
A relevant read. It’s like you and I are standing on the edge of the same cliff, but you jumped first. 😅
Dating apps are weird to me. If you find a good app, let me know lol.
I felt this way about being on field, an app for open relationships. I always thought I'd be interested and try it out, and I did; it turns out I'm not super into it, but it was quite an adventure to step out of my comfort zone and see if my brain actually thought it was into an open relationship or if it was simply cerebral.
Wow it was soo good https://vocal.media/pride/the-bridge-of-destiny
You are so strong and brave to even try that app and talk to people. That by itself is a huge accomplishment! I truly admire you for that! I've subscribed to you!
Good story and congrats. Some men talk to me the same way. Well at first they assume I want them and when they realize I don’t it’s like welcome to bro city, have a seat, we have much to talk about. My good pal is bisexual and loves Pink Cupid. Maybe you would too 🤷♀️. We thrive through connection and love. I really hope you find that 😊🤍
As the father of a lesbian daughter and a bisexual son, I feel this quite realistically. My dearest friend in the world was a gay man whom I met when I was 17. We were still best friends 35 years later when he passed away. My children called him Uncle Karl. Yes.., prejudice, fear, and wariness exist on all sides of the rainbow. Keep your head up and refuse to settle for 2nd best. Great post.
People who use to torture me at school for being bi are now bi themselves. I used HER before but all I got were fake sugar mummies. And Tinder I had lots of matches but they either wanted threesomes, were catfishes or just clicked. I had a nice Snapchat chat with someone though.
Yeah, I get the whole fetishization and experimental aspect. Nobody wants to feel like they're being used just because the other person in the potential relationship is "discovering oneself." Stuff like that has happened, is happening, and more than likely will continue to happen. You shouldn't have to prove Your sexuality to others, this isn't 5th or 6th grade anymore. You are who You are, as You are. I've heard stories about women that are bi have a fear that other women won't think that they're bi if they're caught dating men. In the end, You like what You like, but more importantly You like who You like. Nobody's entitled to You beholding their beauty and vice versa. Scared straight? Maybe, maybe not? Reading this feels more like You're just avoiding certain personalities.
Great story. Congratulations on top story.
I wanted to take a moment to let you know how much your experience of coming out as a bisexual person resonated with me. It truly hit home, as I've faced similar roadblocks along my own journey of self-discovery. Your openness and courage in sharing your story has touched me deeply. Navigating one's sexuality can be a complex and challenging path, often filled with uncertainty and apprehension. It's comforting to know that I am not alone in facing these struggles. Your willingness to share your truth helps create a supportive community where we can find solace and understanding. Remember, as we continue to embrace our authentic selves, we are paving the way for others who may be on the same journey. Your bravery in facing these roadblocks will inspire others to do the same. Together, we can break down barriers and foster a world where everyone is free to love and express themselves without fear or judgment.Thank you for sharing your experience and reminding me that I am not alone in this. If you have a moment, I'd love for you to check out my profile. If you find it interesting or enjoyable, I'd greatly appreciate it if you could subscribe and leave a comment. Your feedback means a lot to me, so feel free to share your thoughts or suggestions. Thank you in advance for your support!
Congrats on your Top Story. Your honesty is refreshing.
Congrats on the Top Story! 🥂 As the first person to comment on it, I’m glad to see it’s getting more reads.
Many people see bisexuality as something to be feared rather than a human trait. When I came out, I thought I was bi, and then later in life, I met the person I have been with for 22 years. I am a lesbian, and I could not care less about the labels others want to use to describe me. I understand your struggles. I was there too when I was a teenager. It's confusing, and you never know what others will think or say. Women feel either flattered or frightened when you tell them the truth. Very few straight women actually feel comfortable with bisexuality. (Men are in a category of their own, of course. LOL!) As you grow older, things become easier. Experience will teach you that self-love matters a lot more than the questions others may ask. What if it's a phase? What if you need to experiment? As long as you are respectful of the other person's feelings and have an honest discussion about it, the rest is not your problem. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.
Congrats on getting top story !
I’ve been there! It gets better. You’re not any less because you like men or don’t have experience. The right girl for you will understand. And being someone’s “experiment” isn’t always so bad. Sometimes it turns into something beautiful ❤️ Keep your head up. Be proud of being bi.
I'm bi so I totally understand where you're coming from. It's an individual journey for your preferences and identity and I appreciate your honesty here! Great personal narrative 💕and congratulations on your top story!
I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. A lot of my bisexual woman friends (it always sounds icky to say that but 'female' sounds neckbeardy) have expressed similar concerns to me (cis/het/masc) before. I may never understand, but I see you and support you.
WELCOME TO BISEXUALITY WE’RE AMAZING BUT EVERYONE ELSE REFUSES TO RECOGNIZE THAT THEY ARE COWARDS
I struggle every day with being bisexual. It’s super confusing. Thanks for being one of the few bi girls I can go to for relatable content. ❤️
Wait, there’s a dating app where I can admit up front to other women that I’m a pillow princess? 😆 I tend to attract the type who want that anyways, but I’m tickled by these terms being on the app. I think girls have hit on me my whole life because of my androgynous energy, and the fact that I hang out almost exclusively with artists, creative types. We tend to be pretty fluid in our expressions and sexually experimental. So it always happened that I’d be drinking with a girl I had a mutual admiration and friendship with, and one thing would lead to another. I lost count of how many times I was invited to join threesomes by people I know. I always said no! It’s so awkward. The couple already has a connection and knows each other’s bodies, and just wants to use me to spice things up? No thanks.