A Dreamless Sleep

August 10, 2021 - South Dakota, Solo Trip

After I woke up, I dreaded walking down the hall and talking to my aunt, fearing a most mundane question:

“Did you sleep okay?”

It’s nothing new; I can count on one hand the number of dreams I’ve had in my lifetime that were pleasant. And if you haven’t pieced it together yet, no, I did not sleep well. I slept through the night, but that didn’t mean I was well-rested that morning as I fumbled through the early stages of waking up and making some coffee, mind reeling over the details of my latest personal horror movie.

That time, it was not in first-person, but third. A teenage girl was being harassed by a gang of bullies. She was inside her house, struggling to hold and lock the door between her and them on the porch. After a long struggle, during which the gang informed her that they had killed one of her dogs (the name of one of my dogs when I was in high school), she went looking through the house for her - adoptive - uncle, pleading with him to change the lock after the long, stressful struggle to close and lock the front door.

Later in the dream, she was again fighting to close the door against the onslaught of bullies, but it locked easier, after an intense time trying to close the door. I experienced her anxiety and tenseness as my own, all too familiar. The uncle instructed an older, male “cousin” (again, the sense throughout was that they were all adopted by this uncle figure) to stay in her room with her for protection. However, though there were no scenes of it, the main character’s return to the kitchen the next morning screamed of something inappropriate done to her by the very “cousin” sent to protect her. Again, her discomfort - guilt, shame, and violation - was mine, and there was no reading her body language without seeing the unspoken abuse.

And then I woke up.

‘Why are my dreams always like this?’ I asked myself, worn.

I always ask myself this after dreams. Even if it’s just a feeling of knowing what terrible things have happened to “me” or the “main character” of a dream; I don’t need to actively dream the darkest details. The insinuations are tangible and there are no doubts about the unseen events.

At least, I think they only classify as dreams. Maybe they are nightmares, but I always assumed nightmares meant you wake up freaking out, covered in sweat. Maybe screaming or something. I do wake suddenly and this usually means I also get up then, but am always physically calm. Mind might be a box of squirrels, though. These are…

Bad dreams? I’ve had a handful that were good, many that were questionable, and the rest, I consider bad.

I used to enjoy them; how vivid they were, how many details I could recall in the morning. It wasn’t until I took a semester of psychology in high school and was given the assignment to keep a dream journal that I started taking stock of just what I dreamt of. You know, when I didn’t have insomnia to combat first. High school was rough on the sleep front for me. Either I didn’t sleep or I dreamed of terrible things.

There’s nearly always something after me - or the person the dream follows. The cast ranges from friends and family members whose faces warp into the most horrific, angry visions, to gangs of bullies, to rapists and murderers, to monsters scurrying after me down narrow halls. Frequently, there’s a door, and wouldn’t you know - it doesn’t want to shut before whatever is chasing me gets there, or the lock doesn’t work and all I or the “main character” can do is try to keep the door shut against the onslaught on the other side.

Or, the other recurring dream: a man I don’t know blocks one doorway out of what feels like my childhood home, but it isn’t quite the same layout. Nothing is said and he really only stands there, but it is the terror I feel of his intent that dominates the dream. There is another door near me that should loop into a hallway so I can run out, but I am always frozen in place, despite my mind screaming at me to run through the other door. It’s like I fear it more if I can’t see where he is. Maybe it’s a leftover from other dreams where I do run, but as soon as my pursuer is out of sight, they somehow now block the path before me.

My dogs have died - or started talking to me. Tornadoes and volcanoes threaten to end me. Dinosaurs run amok on the property; raptors locked in the bathroom nearly break out before I wake and I have been a bite-sized snack for a Tyrannosaurus once or twice. I’ve witnessed murders and been sexually assaulted in more than I could keep track of. Chased by small, humanoid creatures scratching through walls. I’ve been in labor - extremely terrifying to me as I have never desired to have children and pregnancy and childbirth scare the piss outta me - and subsequently gave birth to something so deformed as to be unrecognizable….

The questionable dreams aren’t so dark, but they are uncomfortable. Emotions of jealousy and anxiety plague them, even when the people I’ve lost and miss the most feature in them. Sex is consensual, but there’s always something odd about it: a plastic tarp is used as a condom, or I am involved with someone I shouldn’t be (like a friend’s husband who I’m not even attracted to), or my high school crush/obsession is involved, but I can’t trust him in my dreams any more than I could in real life, so even while attracted, I’m on eggshells in my sleep. It’s exhausting.

Thankfully, my aunt didn’t ask me how I slept that morning. I was out of state visiting her and my uncle to help them harvest and can food: green beans, corn, pickles...etc. I had been there nearly two weeks with one more to go, and in that time I had 3-4 dreams that I recall, each questionable or bad.

It’s not that I hadn’t gotten or didn't get them at home in my own bed, but I have a way to deal with my horrific sleep patterns while at my boyfriend's home.

I’ve found Marijuana to be effective in allowing me to sleep blissfully at home. I’m a little embarrassed at how often I vape flower, but it’s helped me to sleep in a sweet oblivion - what I call that deep, black void devoid of any vision or thought. A blissful unconsciousness that I can only appreciate once I wake - I adore it. It is the only time that I am not plagued by nightmarish visions or the stress of my waking hours. Melatonin might help knock me out and alcohol lulls me into a short sleep on the rare occasion, but only weed lets me sleep the night through - often dreamlessly.

I do mean recreational Marijuana, by the way. CBD doesn’t block dreams (rather, doesn't interfere with REM sleep) like recreational strands with higher THC content - here's an article on how these work. While I intended to try 3 months without smoking any weed at all after several years of use with smaller breaks, I struggled to fall asleep so horribly the first week, I opted to smoke CBD instead, so that I could still dream and record those, but so I could also still fall asleep. So far - nearly a month in - I’ve managed to stick with the rest of my little experiment as intended: I have not been using any Melatonin or recreational weed, I’ve maintained minimal alcohol consumption, and have jotted down any dreams I can recall.

I think once October 27th rolls around (experiment going from September 27-December 27), I will try to go a full month without even the CBD again - perhaps trying to stop outright had been the issue the first week where I just couldn’t fall asleep. I would like a full month with a completely clear head just to see what that would be like nowadays - just how bad are my sleep habits without Marijuana and how bad are they now compared to what I remember from years back? I figured if I am going to seek a therapist for other lifelong issues, I should get at least 3 months of data to work with on the dream front; given the content and how intense emotions can be, to the point that I'm exhausted from dreaming.

Of course, I had trouble sleeping while I was out of state for those 3 weeks in July and August this year as well, but there I relied on Melatonin to get to sleep and - kind of - stay asleep. And while dreams while on a THC “hiatus” can be considered unusually intense, I’d say they’ve been on par with the ones I had before I began smoking pot years back. They’ve always been pretty intense; it’s why when I first started smoking and I noticed I wasn’t recalling dreams, I was in awe. Relieved even. I’ve struggled with sleep issues for so long.

It’s exhausting, constantly fighting and fleeing in my sleep. I’ve already had several terrifying dreams since I began this experiment. While it’s been refreshing to have some dreams again, I honestly can’t wait until I can again sleep dreamlessly. I'm excited and nervous to see the results of my 3 month experiment. The whole point is to see where my mind is without much influence before I seek therapy. I also need a few months to find someone I want to try and to commit to it (therapy) after years of avoidance - I don't look forward to it and it's uncomfortable.

But at least I know Marijuana works for most of my sleep issues. We'll see what a therapist says all too soon, but at least I have one thing in my corner. For now.

Oh boy.... *Puff, puff.*

Thank you for reading - I appreciate it greatly! Tips are also appreciated to help with those upcoming therapy costs, but I'm happy with a read!