“You Don’t Get to Die Until You Get It Right”

I wish that my future soul could have been there the night that the air became thin,

and your idea of love crashed over you as you and your mother left to “stay at nana’s for a while.”

I wanted to lay a hand on your shoulder every time you were backed into a corner.

Your father’s angry screams shaking the windows.

I wanted to embrace you so tightly when he tried to dictate who you could love,

and while you sat alone in your room, awake all night and sobbing when that first soul snatching love didn’t last.

I wanted to defend you when the next one told you to “eat shit and die” for grabbing a burger with some friends after school.

I wanted to console you the first time you said no, and they didn’t listen.

I wanted to help you piece yourself back together after your mother lost all of her pieces to a bottle. I wanted to sit with you through all of those nights you stayed awake, praying she’d be alive the next day. I wanted to shelter you when she threw you out, and left your things on the sidewalk in the rain.

I wanted to tell you that you needed to eat after you had restricted yourself. That you are a vessel to carry a light into the world, but you can’t shine if you refuse to nurture it.

I wanted you to remember your mother every time you fell into a drunken stupor. That you needed to feel. You needed to feel with all of your senses.

I wanted to hold your hand as you walked into the hospital. Unsure of why you should go on with your life.

I wanted to tell you,

that this was the beginning.

Every gut wrenching, heart tearing, painful moment was beautiful in itself. Because it led you to me. My present soul. The one who walks with a purpose. The one who sees the light in others, who loves fiercely and deeply. The one who has found a love that radiates with the sun. You were never alone. We were always together. Hand in hand, experiencing these times in the past. Now is the time to ask for forgiveness, to give it and receive it from myself.

We were there in the dark,

and now we are here in the light.

“You don’t get to die until you get it right.”-Jhené Aiko