What's It Gonna Take

I think I'm in love... Mostly with the way you see me. Sometimes I don't want to be seen and I've tried to push you away, even packed up my things and moved away. But your love is like the ocean, it pulls me back in and forces me to stay.

We talk everyday now. I tried to hold on tighter as the days got longer, you pushed back then sprang forward. Words were said that didn't matter... I was upset and you were mad at me... It had little or nothing to do with me. Now we talk everyday, all throughout the day and you say reassuring things like "I pray you continue to brighten everyone's day..."

You are definitely one of a kind... We both like to wander, explore, share very similar interests and activities... Earth shaking, soul-making love everytime our bodies connect in this universe. Yet you love the time we spend, the conversations we have and the jokes... We constantly laugh together...

Do I have what it takes to keep you here? Loving me? I say how I feel and you agree... Is that it or should I be asking for a certain level of integrity? It's only been two months but it feels like an eternity, or, were we married in another lifetime and slipping into my DM's after meeting in acting class was the way back to each other?

I guess that time will tell... You said that distance makes the heart grow fonder and I believe that it has... Do I let you go to let you in? Is a lifetime enough? Can we try in this one? Am I enough? You are... for me... In every way... heart beating with joy... I didn't think friendship in love was possible but here you are, daily making it my reality.

I'm not afraid to say "I love you." I said it first... I refused to accept it when my ex said it, seeing it as a challenge even... He keeps calling by the way... It's really aggravating because I have nothing to say... Maybe he feels my heart belonging to another and he's desperately trying to secure my love. He thinks we're soulmates and maybe that's true but it definitely doesn't change the way I feel about you.

What Does It Take to fall in love? Is it a simple smile? A noticeable energy that immediately calls out to yours like a magnet to a stove? Can this keep going? And Going? And Going? Please... don't make it stop... My heart has only started healing now and you're the cure for every bit of break I've felt and endured. Please don't go. What's it gonna take to keep you here, not quite my shadow, more like my light... You definitely make my world more bright. I love you Phillip Anthony. Even your name has a meaning... It's incredible actually... Maybe this was meant to be, this being you and me.

Here goes an update that I'm not sure I saw coming... He came to spend my birthday with me and to see his family, who I met (wow, and now the song that reminds me of him is playing on my phone as I write this) We used to communicate in song... Haha... good times. Well, if I fall in love again, I definitely want elements of what we had...

So... some revelations from talking to him yesterday... He never saw a relationship with me, yet he showed up for me when I needed support so many times... Love is support to me and I know I didn't tell him that. He is just a supportive person so me interpreting it as love was on me. He said that he was never in love with me. I mean I'm polyamorous but it doesn't mean that I don't fall in love, which may have been misunderstood by him. He wouldn't have been a primary partner though, he was too dependent on me, financially. That's another element of a relationship or something I've experienced in a relationship before that made it feel like we were in a relationship. We spoke yesterday and he said that we're, "FRIENDS" which means that he didn't hear me 5 days prior (before he told me he was on his way to Miami) when I told him that I'm looking for a relationship.

It's now July 10th, the last time I saw him was June 18th on my birthday, and the last time we spoke before yesterday was June 23rd or 26th... His energy was different the last time we spoke... He was out with a girl friend from college, who was visiting for the day. I did not hear from him for the next 11 days. That was a first and I couldn't imagine what happened. Our last moments together in person, were perfect. He has the ability to make me feel so loved. But he would say things like, "I don't want to but I will for you." I never understood his "logic," and to be honest I still don't.

His latest excuse is that I'm not religious enough and oh yeah... He told me that he met someone (he told me over the phone on July 4th) "I've been distant because I met someone." Shocked was an understatement. Who in the world could've captivated his heart that was just beating with mine? He met her the day before he left to visit me for my birthday and didn't think she was important (his words) but once he got back to LA she became... I mean, he thinks that she is "the one." I think that he's trying too hard...

The thing that I loved the most about him is that I could always feel his emotions because he expressed them through his body in a way that I understood, energetically. The way that he kissed me and kept kissing me before he left on my birthday felt like we were "locked in." He wants me to believe that, that's just him... He's like that with everyone he loves... And I'm the polyamorous one lol Polyamorous means "many loves."

Anyway... There is really no point to this entry.. Other than a place for me to collect my thoughts after feeling an overwhelming amount of emotions. I cried like a baby yesterday because he couldn't tell how much his actions hurt me. I'm soft on the inside... You have to treat me with care... I do believe him that he didn't know I would feel this way, he mentioned because there were other people I encountered while we were "friends" lol I used to tell him that because we aren't exclusive, there's no need for him to keep asking me if there's anyone else... but he would... he would keep asking... He also expressed that he has feelings and he expects me to have other lovers... What he didn't say was how it made him feel.. He insisted that it didn't make him feel any "type of way," so why ask? This type of energy is not one I would want in a relationship. If I were to guess, he kept checking because he wanted to be my only lover and he was primarily...

A relationship to me is one where it feels safe to share feelings... "this is how I feel about this and when you do it, this is how it makes me feel." Why was that so difficult for Phillip to do with me? Am I still emotionally unavailable? At times I was for sure... In those moments, he was mad at me for not letting him in, ignoring his feelings or essentially pushing him away. If it wasn't love, why did he push back? Why did he not accept me pushing him away or ending our "fling"? Because Phillip, you didn't want it to end. We could've ended this in April... I wonder if he knew that? It could've ended again the week before my birthday... He wouldn't accept it, so, I let him and he stuck around... and now this... It's a gaslight for sure but it's more than that... It feels like, he is being driven by his emotions and instead of facing them he's running or escaping them. I assured him of one thing, "if you're thinking that we're friends and we're going to be friends, we're not." He didn't take it how I meant it and that's fine. What I meant was... this is too much for a "friendship." We are not and have not been just friends for months! So if you're trying to brush off intense emotions and excuse yourself from pursuing something real by using the casual, non-committal "friends" word, I'm letting you know it doesn't apply here. Not after you came to visit me for my birthday, chose to be intimate with me, told me you loved me, couldn't stop kissing and touching me (lol his affectionate nature is heaven) made me feel incredibly loved... I'm not accepting "friends" anymore... Not with us. It was also his idea to tell each other everything which he didn't do until after the fact, so, no thanks, I'm good. The End.

In the end, I guess the answer to my question is that it takes honesty. That's what it's gonna take to put some action behind the word, "love."