Trying to Find my Words

Every time I sit down to write,

I can't find the words,

the words that belong to us,

the words that seize my thoughts,

the ones captured in my heart and are trapped in my head,

It should be so obvious,

your intentions are,

But I am entangled in overthinking,

somewhere between afloat and sinking,

Between feelings caught,

and overthinking why I feel lost,

Why I feel something is missing,

When I see everything that is there,

Instead of whole heartily believing,

I find myself hesitant and scared,

But at the same time, I am not,

I enjoy my time with you,

Our hands together fit as if they are glued,

Yet when you call me out for being distant,

I cover my feelings with resistance,

and want to walk away,

Not because I don't want you,

Not because we can't talk things through,

But because I don't know what to do,

I won't let myself be talked down to,

I won't silence myself, for you to speak your truth,

Even if that's not what you're asking me to,

but because of past experiences I've been through,

I won't let my heart find another person to love and lose,

but you see,

even without those three words spoken,

I won't leave this without feeling some sort of broken,

because I have let myself see a future with you,

It may not be topped off with a ring,

and death till we part when the old opera lady sings,

but it is a future, thus I won't walk away,

I can't let you believe I have no words to say,

because I do have words for you,

I do have my heart in this,

I am having a hard time admitting it,

to the extent of 100 percent,

But it is there,

I want to meet your family,

especially your mom,

to see a new part of you, to see where you're from,

but I am concerned she will see right through me,

See more of my insecurity,

then who you are to me,

I want her to know someone love you when she leaves,

I want to be that for you,

I feel guilty about my hesitation, appreciative about your patients,

but still confused within myself,

Wishing I had the answers that would help,

Cure any of your wonder or worry how I have been feeling or have felt,

But for now,

All I have to give you is that I am in this,

that meeting you has been a gift,

And every morning you are who I see myself with,

That when I say that four letter word,

That its not just something I said or you just heard,

it means I have found my clarity,

I want it to mean everything it is supposed to be,

So please just hang in there with me.