Toll

Dear Husband,

I found a part of me that was locked away

Hidden deep in the depths of my water, there she laid

Resurrected with a kiss from my soul

She rose up, complete, to make me whole

But in bringing her up there was a price to pay

Brought her back from hell’s gate only to betray

Leaving her astray

Because you who I call “my one” felt you no longer had a place

With me, though that was never the case

But you couldn’t see that I could still love you and me

You needed the control

The reigns around my neck kept you safe

So I conditioned her release, gave her parole

But it wasn’t enough of a relief unless I put her back in her hole

I can’t bear to lose you, so I’ll play my role

The girl you had married, that’s the goal

So I put my healing and growth on hold

No longer a lifeboat, I put her on the ferry

With a coin in her mouth to pay the toll

Dressed her in cloth and oil so she would not decay

Because maybe I’ll get to rescue her again one day

But for now, my soul must atone

For my sin against you that started with a kiss

And now I sit here alone, as my own gravestone

Carved with the words

“I didn’t love her enough,

I love you too much.”

Love,

The Codependent Wife