To the Mountains and Home

01/01/23

Dear Unnamed,

So it is New Years once more, and you are still gone. Not that you could come back at this point, even if you wanted to. Though, I guess that’s kind of the point, isn’t it? You’re gone because you wanted to be. Funny how that works, how we always want something and someone else always wants the opposite. Like, I want you here, and you didn’t. So life goes, I suppose. What I find funnier, though, is that you would always say that “people in hell want ice water,” implying we all want something, but that doesn’t really mean shit because we don’t always get what we want. So, my question is this: why did you? Why did you get what you wanted when you knew full well no one else agreed? Why were your wants so much more important than all of your family’s and friends’ wants? Why do you get what you asked for when you’re the only one who wanted it?

Maybe I’m not making sense to anyone but myself, but it makes perfect sense to me, so what does it really matter if I sound like a raving lunitic or sane? I suppose it doesn’t not really. And, Unnamed, this is ok, truly. It is ok if I don’t make any sense to you or anyone else, but, secretly, I think someone will get it. I think someone will know what I mean without me spelling it out in so many letters. You left me because you didn’t want to deal with the sufferings of this mortal existence any longer, you shed your mortal coil, and left us all here alone to pick up the pieces.

i keep thinking I’ve come to peace with your death, but I constantly prove myself wrong. I have not gotten over it and I have not found solace in your absence. How do you move on when so much of you is still in the past? And, Unnamed it is not for lack of trying that I am still living partially in the past. I just hate to let you go and move on without you. By doing so, it feels like I am spitting on your memory and am ok without you. I know maybe this seems ludicrous. I just feel like it is a disrespectful thing, for moving on feels like you had no impact on me or my life, which could not be further from the truth. My parents say I hold on too tight, to things, to people, to memories, but, I do not feel like there is such a thing. We hold on when it matters, and, Unnamed, you always will. So, how do I move on when my heart is scattered to the wind in the mountains like you? It is where I feel at ease, where I feel at home. I keep living, keep moving forward, yes. I have a lovely home with a lovely fiance and two lovely cats, yes, but part of my soul was scattered with your ashes. Part of my soul is off in the world, lying with yours, somewhere. And this, I think, is ok. I am still living, I am still pushing through and moving forward. I am just not moving on. And, Unnamed, as long as I am still living, still moving, still loving, does it really matter that I am not moving on? I am still a fully functioning person, still as whole as I can be, so what does it truly matter if part of me will forever be with you? I can’t say I know. Everyone is always so up in arms about moving on and not getting stuck in the past. I think it is ok to live in the past, as long as you do not dwell. And, while I admit that sometimes I do, I try my damndest not to. Generally, I think I do rather well living mostly in the present, and this, I think, is enough.

I love you, Unnamed. I always have, and I always will. And, Unnamed, please know that this will never change. I am sorry if I didn’t show my love as readily or as often as I should’ve when you were still here. I was a child and didn’t know yet how little time I had left with you or, really, that time ever came to such an abrupt and final closing. I regret not being there with you as often as I should’ve, and I know that maybe there is no point in regretting. I did not do anything with malice. I was simply a naive child that didn’t know what there was to be lost. I know, though, that we will meet again one day. I do not believe in Heaven, though I know that if it exists, that we will meet again someday in Ernest. I also know, though, that our souls know each other and hold each other close in our heart of hearts, and that in whatever awakening that will follow this one, that I will find you again and we will have more time. I love you. Please be happy and whole and at peace, wherever you may be now.

Love,

Yours