To pain, with love

I hate that I am up right now feeling this way. I thought I was getting better, building a stronger heart but it’s not true. I am in pain and despite all that you are I can’t really blame you.

You are the reason why I’m scared of so many things but it's also why I don't try to do things even if I might be curious. I’m not scared to ride a bike I’m scared of getting hurt. I’m not scared of dogs I’m scared of getting attacked and I’m not really scared of squirrels or swimming or love. I’m scared of being hurt by those things. I don't like pain it's one of the main reasons why my mom went to the doctor with me and had to hold me down or hold my hand until I was 18 when it came to getting shots and blood work. Pain is why I don't open up fully because the more open your door the more pain that can come in. Pain is so annoying it's always creeping up on you inviting itself to outings. It's like the younger sibling and your mom is always making you take them with you when you go out. It's stupid I know, to be afraid of pain and in some ways it isn't. No one wants to get hurt but it's stupid of me to go out of my way to avoid it. It's probably why I'm the only piece so far behind on the board game called LIFE. All the other pieces just move on up,take three steps up, move one step back and I’m the piece that's still chilling in the home. I know I can't expect to live my life this way but honestly, I’m pretty stubborn and it takes me time to do the things I don't wanna do even if the thing is good for me. I’m still figuring out the whole “don't be afraid of things” but I think I’m doing better. I'm separating TV from reality and understanding the concept of a single story. I know this is my life and I think sometimes I’m content not having accomplished much all due to fear of pain but I also get frustrated because I don't want the pain to win in the end. I feel like I should just embrace that I will get hurt whether it be a broken leg or a scar from falling off a bike or a twist in my heart when the love I hold so close is tampered with by an unworthy man. Hopefully, in ten years I can say I’ve done a lot and instead of having pain stay away from my room. I’ll invite it inside and we can play the board game together. You know what they say after all keep your friends close and your enemies closer and I don't really know where I put pain so, for now, I will just accept it.

I have to just accept it. Maybe this is how to get past it. The secret to forgiving and not forgetting is maybe the pain that came with the actions and words. It hurts but all I can do is hope that when I lay my soul to sleep pain won’t kill me.