Thoughts

Dear mother-in-law,

Welcome to take a walk into my darkness,

It is not just your sleep that is disturbed,//

Capturing the raw thoughts,

Dusty, scary, and darker it gets,

Amazed at how the formations appear, flow,

And how much more is hidden deep down,

Waiting to be revealed,//

Unhappiness, the word I chose to use,

An emotion I connect with,

Thank you for you have made me question,

Every single thing in this relationship with your son,//

One such story I chose to write in here,

That you don't need to read it aloud,

But know,

And I questioned,

Why am I doing this,

Am I the only one with such thoughts,

Yet here it goes,//

When is due is not the only existence,

But now a scar with the good news,

Terrific it is to feel in reality,

Painful is the subtle treatment with toxicity,

Vulnerable to emotional blackmail,

I decided to stand on the other side of the track,

A child, not a necessity,

Not a ritual,

Not a commodity,

Not a structure to follow,

The societal demands just seem pointless,

The claim of caste makes me numb,

The sudden change in you,

The deliberate change in me,

Not the ideology I want to pass on,

And I questioned,

Why am I doing this,

Am I the only one with such thoughts,//

Amazing it is to see the obsessiveness,

The overpowering happenings with the arrival,

Support wasn't the system but distress,

A nightmare to an extent,

How is it fair,

That, I feel happy for you,

Clearly, not the postpartum everyone told me,

But an impact of the change,//

Complete unhappiness I sense,

The rise of Rage in my nerve,

To see you lifting my boy in your hands,

No, you don't deserve my boy,

My boy for sure doesn't deserve you,

Never happy in your hands,

Like a curse manifested in the universe,

Disturbed is the sleep,

In front of the mirror,

Scared of this darkness,

The rise of panic attacks,

Told to breathe, release,

Let go of all that happened,

Now with the baby,

All in need is happiness,

That, too, is a necessity,

A forced happening,

Unethical it is to express,

The hidden world within,

And I questioned,

Who are you to decide, no one,

But what about the fear I sense,

And this is just a start, //

Knocking every morning, every night,

Torturing myself, disturbing my sleep,

Your stay just became unnatural, exhausting,

So clear from my heart,

So deep into my cells,

I sense the earthquake,

I sense the heart attack,//

Mom, who are you,

When did you become this person,

What changed,

I don't stand by you, but her pain,

And I echoed,

I am sorry.

Loving,

Drew