The Struggle the weighted me Down

It was all but one trip and one picture that came into focus in Nashville Tennessee.

Outside the flagship store a shot from a phone in front of a Copenhagen styled factory.

Me smiling with a dip in my lip not knowing what I would see returning from that once in life time event with a friend journey.

Getting my first tattoo ;IGY6 meaning its not over I got your six meaning your back

All the pain was comfort in that tattoo even though confidence and vision I would lack

Looking at that picture my buddy sent me after the trip showed me I have giving up on myself

I put my time my worries my undermining stresses on the bottom shelf

Passing back and forth I saw hope in a darkened room

Even if I lost myself to clutter of demonic voices from schizoaffective demeaner of a diagnoses I didn't know I had

For my suicidal tendency was to erase all that and be dead was bad

I recovered In the hospital not knowing what I had done

For my thoughts where erased and my pick up the pieces had just begun

I was given a second chance at life I never knew I would embrace

For In that very moment I had to face

All the obstacles of mental health and struggle boiled up in flash backs

For my mind paints a picture and reacts

To what I had done and I had to pick myself up and not be on the run

But face the music of being the bullet of that loaded gun

For my journey to health and focus had just started to take shape

I recovered I was ashamed but I mended that tape

I started small with walks with the dog and work outs and stretching

And building my body up like throwing a ball from one end to another I was catching

The pain that I put myself through all that mindful disaster

That picture of a beached wale in front of that store I was after

Getting the weight off my shoulders and gut

Working out for four years and getting out of that rut

Find my spirit to get off my ass and be someone I wanted to be

Shaping my way to invasion my mind to be set free

I was the new me that I still cant comprehend

I became lost again and was looking for a friend

To show me through the pain of mental and physical health

That was my first girlfriend in 3 years that came to help

She showed me that I can live past my mistakes by keep trying

She whispered her thoughts even if I felt like dyeing

She put up with my anger my static emotion and my manic episodes

She carried my ships that sailed with loads

Of love and comfort giving me a way to speak my volumes of desire

She was my fuel to my fire

I lost 100 pounds on the four year journey not giving up on myself

I found a job but eventually ran out of wealth

Got fired and lost every thing I built

Felt shame dishonor hurtful guilt

But through it all today I'm a home maker helping my family and her see a new me

Not finding my comfort watching drama on TV

But actually moving my way forward with every little step I can put in front of another

Learning to live find comfort and love each other

I'm by all means never perfect or great

I live one day at a time even if I'm getting older and feel late

To the race of success

For this is my time to find focus

And get to that page in my life that I can keep chugging along the tracks

For I still in my memory's and promise's of faith have set backs

Mental health is the reason that struggle weighted me down

Gaining hope is the reason this poem has my vision and my sound

Sincerely Blake Robert 4/16/2023