The Ever to be Unanswered Questions
Glass Shards of Doubt
Some nights, when I lay in bed with only the streetlamp outside my window to illuminate my thoughts, and the whirring sound of the ceiling fan to awaken my demons, I beg for reprieve.
No thoughts tonight, please. Praying for no thoughts.
Some nights my prayers are not heard, and as the creeping trickle of ever to be unanswered questions enters my mind, I am shortly thereafter inundated with the should I haves and the could I haves and the would it have made a difference.
I try to push away those thoughts, as unwelcome as my demons at heaven’s gate; but the more I fight, the more intense those thoughts become and the sharpest nails of the ever to be unanswered questions dig into my spine until I am prone, paralyzed on a merciless bed of nails piercing the whole of my body and mind.
I get up.
I get up and walk across a condescending floor of glass shards - stabbing me, shredding me with each step; mocking me for the coward I am for no longer wanting to deal with the flood of the ever to be unanswered questions. Glass shards laughing at me for lacking the fortitude to slay those demons as they continue their torture all the way out the hall, into the living room, where I throw myself on the couch and beg for relief in the cool, soft cushions.
But there’s no relief to be given. Those cool soft cushions feel like they’re swallowing me as I sink into them, and the ever to be unanswered questions turn to accusations.
Yes, you should have.
Yes, you could have.
Yes, it would have made a difference.
There’s no arguing.
There’s no reasoning.
For the reasoning is just as condescending and accusatory as the glass shards were, and it drags me ever further into a self-manufactured pit of quicksand. The thick, heavy sludge of guilt drags me down, deeper and deeper. The more I fight, the further I sink until I am completely enveloped and panting for breath - heart pounding, panting for breath until exhaustion finally overcomes me and I am thankful when I lose consciousness.
I see the light shine through the dark but transparent curtain and liken it to the broken window in my soul. I drag myself off the couch, stretch wide, start the coffee pot, and pull back the curtain to welcome the day.
I feel the air from the dining room fan blow the dried quicksand out of my hair and cool the burning scars left on me by my bed of nails, and I smile.
I smile as the warm rays of sun touch my face and bring me hope. I smile as the beams of light banish the darkness from my mind and replace it with a welcome realization of indisputable truth.
There was nothing I could have done that would have made a difference.
I know that.
I’ve always known that.
I take the first sip from my much-needed cup of coffee and tell myself that it’s going to be a good day.
As I sit at the dining room table and pick the remnants of bloodied glass shards out of my tender feet, I feel the echo of an ever to be unanswered question creep stealthily into the back my mind. When I’m done with the shards and my tender feet, I pick up all I that have collected and walk to the hallway that separates the bedroom from the living room.
Then I throw those glass shards right back onto the floor - knowing full well that I may need them again when night time comes.
About the Creator
Cathy holmes
Canadian family girl with a recently discovered love for writing. Other loves include animals and sports.
Reader insights
Outstanding
Excellent work. Looking forward to reading more!
Top insights
Excellent storytelling
Original narrative & well developed characters
Heartfelt and relatable
The story invoked strong personal emotions
Easy to read and follow
Well-structured & engaging content
Compelling and original writing
Creative use of language & vocab
On-point and relevant
Writing reflected the title & theme
Expert insights and opinions
Arguments were carefully researched and presented
Eye opening
Niche topic & fresh perspectives
Masterful proofreading
Zero grammar & spelling mistakes
Keep reading
More stories from Cathy holmes and writers in Poets and other communities.
Talented Black creators spotlight: Catherine Nyomenda (Chap 3).
Catherine reminds me of an enigma wrapped within a riddle. When she writes, she skips between the poetic and the dramatic. Her highlights of the African lifestyles of herself, of authors whom she admires, and the many nuances of love keeps you wondering and pondering the passage of life.
By Novel Allen5 days ago in Chapters
Comments (25)
Whoa, that ending is so powerful. Such an honest look at guilt and self-flagellation. I felt this.
Oh Cathy, this is so very compelling. I think everyone can relate to this in some way; I feel very in line with so many of your words here. Absolutely amazing job. Sending you hugs 🥹❤️
Cathy this was such a relatable story for me, thank you for sharing this with us. It puts you in a whole new light for me! Know that you are not alone! I like the way you depict your anxieties/ worries and after math thoughts! It’s a very clever metaphor and it hit home for me. I also like how you depict that you keep the glass shards for the next day, knowing you’ll return to the same worries. But you don’t show fear, it’s like you use them as a tool. This was a very thought provoking and piece for me! I’m still reeling from the concepts and thoughts you Brough to the forefront of my mind! Thank you for sharing this with us and thank you for the food for thought Cathy! 🩵
Brilliant Cathy. Every line of this was compelling the guilt of making it through and the questions of hindsight
This is why journaling is important. You can write about the "have dones" along with the "should'ves," "would'ves," and "could'ves." This allows Your mind to meditate on the past, but to organize it as well so that You can move forward better prepared in the future. The face the future with the weapons You have prepared in the present. In the end, if Your mind's racing from all of those thoughts plaguing Your mind like demons, then continue to think about them in a calm systematic order. Eventually sleep will come. Sometimes You have to think Yourself to sleep, cause when You dream Your brain is organizing Your thoughts. On a different note, You might be sleeping in too warm of an environment. I found out that I sleep best when its like 65 degrees Fahrenheit. Warm beneath the covers, but not hot, while it's cool above. Your sleep might not just be optimized. Sure, we all dwell on the past and fear for the future, but don't forget to live in the present. Peace.
Oh I relate so well. Sometimes the thoughts are over bearing, so I pretend there is a video playing onto a screen and separate myself from the feelings and what ifs and that helps a lot. I loved the feeling this evoked, thank you! 🖤
This was a difficult thing for me to read as some nights I have the same questions. But, just like you, I come to the same conclusion. There is nothing that could have been done to change anything.
Nice to see a prose poem from you. That last line: “Then I throw those glass shards right back onto the floor - knowing full well that I may need them again when night time comes.” That is an incredible amount of self awareness!
Very powerful and should have a place in Top Stories, big hugs for this
This has to be ones of the best pieces I have read on Vocal! Very powerful! I hope that writing about it has helped you.
Absolutely incredible to read, Cathy. I sincerely hope it helps you to have written it.
brilliant work!!
Cathy, this broke my heart! But I couldn’t help reading through to the end. That first sentence was quite the hook. Excellent! 👏
Every word of this was Phenomenal! Brilliant work Cathy!!!!
God, I feel this. So eloquently expressed, I hung on every single word. Life is such a tragic condition to be in... and exhausting, completely exhausting. I know this came from your soul. Truly wonderful words Cathy. I hope you get some respite one night. Wishing sweet dreams and calm for you, beautiful person.Xxx
The guilt the angst the helplessness eat at our peace. I wish a had advice to help. Writing like this, aids everyone. You letting it go and being vulnerable enough to share it, helps another. Peace is ever illusive, but comfort is something we all want to give you. Find rest in the fact that you are not alone and well cared for ❤️❤️
Story was so captivating, nice 👍
Your poem hit me so hard. I have a lot of regrets in my life. I wish life came with a erase memory button. Things would have been much easier. Sending you lots of love and hugs my friend 🥺❤️
At our son's funeral, our District Superintendent said something I've held onto now for over ten years. "There was nothing you could have done to prevent this from happening. If you could have, you would have." I have a little trick that is fairly effective when the thoughts racing through my head won't let me sleep. I focus on the inside of my eyelids & watch the various patterns of light that roll through them. I know, it sounds strange. But it works.
The whole is amazing The ending is incredible
I see those glass shards as friend and foe. What an immersive story! You have some serious writing chops! The imagery was spot on and your voice so well defined. Totally pulled my heart in!! ❤️
Well said, my friend!!! There are no answers only gratitude and prayers!!! HUGS!!! ❤️❤️💕
❤️😩😭. Wow. Totally relate to this, why do our brains torture us?
Fundamental phrases and I appreciate the Poetic Vibe ❤️😉💯👍😊📝💥
Wow Cathy, this is so relatable but you’ve explained it in such a way that it really hits home. Well done my friend.