Say It Loud and Clear

I wrote the following quickly

after hearing the news, but felt

it best to go back and add this

because so much goes unsaid

between the lines

of something tight and pristine

even if, it's full of heart,

soul and humanity

-

Since taking on this mantle.

One so many before me have.

I have never held back—

Never held onto emotions

To unsaid thoughts, feelings

I write— for I love it, I claim,

but also, I write— for I must.

Therapy might help—

-

but solace, closure,

for me, live in lines that were

once thoughts, hidden

locked away from the world

experimented on, like I'm Viktor

taking limbs, flesh, and sinew

muscles, bones, and organs

-

Shouting "it's alive"

-

If only that were still

the truth, the reality

then I could say

What I should have said

long before we found

this path we're on

-

I know I've not visited

I know it's not brave

While you waste away

As the former you

Deteriorates—

less than a man.

-

Excuse or reason?

Reason or excuse?

Who can even say?

Does it matter now?

-

"He's only sleeping," they say.

"More husk than man," they say

-.

If I had time to go back.

(All generations—the children)

I'd love to say I'd do it

(Blames those who came before)

Spend time, sympathise

(All their grieving frustrations)

Try to see things

(Come beating on your door)

Through your eyes.

-

(I know I'm held captive

To all my father held dear)

(I know I'm under arrest

To all his hopes and fears)

But I'm not sure I can.

Don't know if I would.

I might not take the chance

For you to let me down

Again—redux, always redux.

-

That's what you did before

So why would it be any

Different or better?

Better or different?

-

Still—

I am sad.

I will miss the you that you were.

Because I realise

The weight of responsibility.

Because I understand

The consequence of accountability.

-

I still think of you

As my dad—

A hard-working man

Who tried his best.

Who had so many

Tests and trials.

Addiction, of course.

Estrangement, of course.

-

When I listen

To any of the bands

You loved—

Queen, Elvis

Elton, Fleetwood Mac.

Status Quo, The Beatles

Too many to mention

Too many to mention

I never skip

The tracks you sang

(Say it loud and clear)

(You can listen and hear)

(When we die, time is up)

(To admit we never saw what we had)

Rest in peace

Until we meet again.

*

Thanks for reading

Author's Notes: Wrote this poem, originally when I found out my dad, who had Vascular Dementia, was in the final stages of the disease. No longer eating, was kept comfortable. Anyone who knows me, will know I had a difficult relationship with him, and hadn't seen him for 20+ years. He died 2.50am, June, 3, 2025

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