Same Shoes Again

You don't want me to compare you to my past,

But why am I standing in similar shoes as four years ago,

Why am I faced with the same fear,

That I came very familiar to know,

I told myself the last time around,

I wouldn't stand on the same ground,

I wouldn't be near the wall where hands would land,

I told myself I wouldn't put myself back between those hands,

I wouldn't be one of those girls that thought it could be different,

It may just have been a wall, next time I could be the center of it,

I was told you never wanted to make me feel small,

but instead, I fight back and that lead your hand to releasing onto a wall,

A snap reaction,

Caused by an action,

Of me saying something,

I felt the sting, even if your hand didn't hit my face,

All I could do was freeze right in place,

So much for me truly feeling safe,

In that moment all I wanted was to escape,

But you turned to me saying you broke your hand,

What was I supposed to do leave as I planned,

I didn't want to be near you,

Couldn't process what just came to,

I needed to get you help,

Without analyzing how I felt,

Because I am enraged at this situation,

Over nothing other than irritation,

that blew into so much more,

When you told me to get out, you should have just closed that door,

nothing more,

but now we are here,

I am fueled with rage and fear,

for someone I am supposed to love,

Now you are in pain with a series of consequences,

And I am standing here as your girlfriend supposed to mend these fences,

when I feel as broken as your hand,

But instead, I have to be gracious and understand,

That you would never hit me, this was not your plan,

But I have been here before and I refuse to let this stand,

But then you are so gracious saying it is not my fault,

Wanting me to come over the next day with a fresh start,

But the feeling of fear is still enveloped in my body,

A level of trust in you has been robbed from me,

but I feel bad for you,

wanting to help you get through this,

But meanwhile feeling internally suppressed,

because of all this mess,

That I said I would never go through again,

But here I am,

In the same shoes as four years ago,

Thinking about this person who I am supposed to know,

With a daunting decision on if I should stay, or this time go.