Reconciliation

There is a part of me that wants to die;

The one that has to do what is expected.

I realise the trappings of this life,

And mostly, feel by me they are accepted.

I am seat-belted in. Only when I jolt

Or try to reach forward beyond their restraint,

Only then, am I jerked back to a halt

And reminded of the safety of my place.

I resent and respect, repel and attract

A flux of feelings, that swirl and coil

Like surging rapids in a narrow tract,

Until their containment comes to the boil.

*

The time comes when I feel the urge to soar!

I don't want to go to work and earn a crust!

I don't want to do the cleaning anymore!

I don't want to be the person that you trust.

I want to be immersed inside my head

And swirl amongst the thoughts that harbour there.

I want to make things tangible instead

And form them into beings, all aware;

Create places and atmosphere and love

Mix nuance with syllable and line;

To be ruled, not by outside demands that shove

And snap the threads that tense inside your mind;

But, by deepness of thought that can be sought

When peace and stillness combine and align.

*

The forest glade found through thicket thick,

Where dappled sunlight falls to warm the skin;

The moment when an engine is stopped still

Before the outside world comes loping in;

The waving of a white flag for the truce

And brutal calm that descends upon its flap;

The mountain hike endured to view the view

And reached before the other tourists yap.

The watching from the sand grains of the beach

As loved ones frolic giggling in the surf,

Their cries of happiness washed and out of reach,

Until they rush your ears as they emerge.

I welcome those moments when they arrive:

A vacuum created for ideas to thrive.

*

I sound like a churl, a selfish old wench;

A person with much who would shun what she has.

An ingrate, perpetually looking to wrench

Herself from the life and that love that she has.

I don't. I am not. I will never resist

The pull of the hug and the talk and the need

That is constant, relentless, never desists!

Blackened, bereft I would be if it leaves;

Hollow, without substance: they are all that I am.

I know this and love the fact that they're there.

Without them, my life would be bitterly sad.

A husk, dried and withered; exposed and bare

Like a skull in the desert, beaten by sand

Alone, unfleshed out, its other lost pieces

Scattered and blown, eroded and bland.

I crave and hate the potential releases

That will come with your growing and leaving

This nest; I want moments of respite:

That's all. I love, the belief, the believing

In me as your person, your light, in the fight

By your side, your protector and help,

Your cushion and buttress and solace!

These given roles are the treasure, the wealth

Of being a mother and sharing a space!

*

But sometimes, I crave, just a small reprieve

Permission placed to momentarily leave

And be another, a person of words

Writing, expressing, a need to be heard.

A tear in life's fabric for me to slip through

To make my own world for a minute or two.

Spare me the time and the release will reward

You with my vigour, my patience unflawed.

Because writing will ease and iron and smooth

The tension and wrinkles, and roughness improve;

I love you. I love you! Of that, there's no doubt

It's just I'm in need of a temporary out.

The nature of me is to elope with silence

But this does not mean that I love you less.

***

My writing struggle is real. A mother's guilt is real. All the stuff that I could be doing but I'm choosing to write. Trying to find a time where I don't inconvenience others. Knowing that it's okay to take the time to do it, that I deserve it. Being there most of the time but having just a small bit of daily time for me to indulge in what I love to do.

I am there for everyone but I am selfish. I do take the time for me because I know that whilst they are important, so am I and I don't apologise for that. However, it is hard.

Thanks for stopping by! If you have read this, please do leave a comment as I love to interact with my readers.