Numb

anymore i wander in a haze

this world is just a blur as it passes

i sit here by the open window and watch the light of the sun

as it fades in and out

night turns to day

and on and on it goes

and i sit here

with nothing to do

no purpose

no thought

no motive or will to even change clothes

i look across the room to a warm fuzzy blanket on the bed

i want to reach out

my brain tells my body

my body does not respond

it has not for a while

the will to get up has left

the will to even go to my bed is nowhere

there is no one around me

i yelled at them to go away a long time ago

i moved out

locked the door

and never let anyone in

they tried

and tried

and tried

til one day

it all stopped

.

.

.

i just sit here now

i cannot hear the birds

or the wind moving through the trees outside

the visible movement notifying me of their presence

i do not even hear the rustle of my clothes

my pajamas

as i stretched out my leg

i lean my head back and feel the roughness of my tongue

as i go to swallow

.

.

.

i open my eyes and i must have dozed

based on the position of the sun

it was a few hours

how did i not feel that

my senses are betraying me

i should have gone for help

called someone

i didn't

it was easier to waste away

blame you

and not have to deal with the reality

i was an adult

who lives by themselves

never goes out of the house

stares out the window

and watches as the world goes by

life goes on

and i just want to sleep

sleep and not wake up

yet i am afraid

i want to open my eyes

and then i lose the reason why

i have nothing to inspire me anymore

i have no reason to go on

.

.

.

i hear the door open as my eyes slide closed

for what i think is the final time