memory shards

I’ve looked at you too many times

your face froze in the concrete of my brain forever

your passport, cherished, hidden in an inside pocket, made me realise it

that you are the best citizen of this world

unchangeable like the taste of bread

always with you on the trail;

I should wash every thing you touched

because your scent is still here, locked in place

where I waited for my death

it will show up eventually

if not today or tomorrow, then someday

and I will be alone

not valued by anyone

not even by the person who wanted me in this world

and then my suppression of all real love

I’ve ever felt for anyone

it led me to nothingness, nothingness at all;

your emaciated figure

as thin as a rake man

in front of me, following me in my dreams

I still can’t get over it; you are far up the hill

without seeing and hearing you, everything seems dead

I have to cultivate a mental image of you in my head

tension-relieving, close to depression

always at the lowest level of continuity

-

for M.

-

(2022 – 2023)