If you only knew

I grew here; is more ways than one. I know these mountains; I know these valleys; I know the seasons; I know the people. I used to call these home.

My path is new now, desires overwhelm my whole; there's a longing deep within my heart, painful emotions run through my soul, visions fill my mind.

The hopes that fester in me are too great to be denied. By the gods if he only knew. This... this is where I stand... The bridge between the here and now connected to the horizon in the distance. My eyes close... I can see it all before me. This vast dream... and I am so close... I suffer from my own fear but still push through it.... I must rise above it.

If only he knew... but, its too soon... every inch, every day, every letter.... closer now even still. Word after word upon the pages... Long into my free time, until my eyes grow tired and weak.... yet, I go on.

If only he knew; the tides in me that want the fight and want the desires... even the tide in me that forces myself to keep the dream alive... If only he knew... I am tired... I am stressed... The fact that no matter where I am or go there is no peace of mind for me... That's just it... that longing for my peace of mind beckons me from the back of my heart and fights to be heard, not by me, but by him and everyone else around me...

There are things I want; things I need to do... I want him at every step, and I want to be seen, mostly I just want to be heard and maybe a little bit of understanding. There is so much more out there waiting for us... new adventures.. journeys that have yet to be explored... a life not yet lived.

My heart aches at this; wanting so much and being stuck in this rut that feels like its never-ending. This insanity has to stop... this insanity is too much.... no space... no peace... hardly any time for what must be done on this dream.... its larger than any of us right now... I'm so close... yet, I feel like I'm drowning somedays, others I feel like I'm having an out of body experience... as if I have no control over anything.

I have no idea how to fix myself... and I am even more at a loss on what to tell him... By the gods, if he only knew.