If We Agree We Are In This Together, Do We Also Agree It's Not A Competition

When you bring it into question, keep these words in mind and close to home. Don't ask me for answers that only confirm your biases, looking to be victimized. If what i tell you's gonna make you crazy, or runaway, and don't let it be an excuse to shirk or shrink OUR relations. I can't stop the shame you feel, and i refuse to own what isn't mine to take.

"Do you really think i raped you?" you insist upon me, not ask, time and time again- just as it was with the dynamic in question.

I really do insist now, too- don't put yourself out but put yourself in my shoes. Reverse the polarity to pretend that my answers are given to me from you. Are you allowed to have a feeling and be honest when i ask? For now, with you, I don't feel like i can. My last attempt to make it make sense for you is this:

Do you see how absurd it really this is? To ask a man whom you hurt not just once before to make the irreconcilable differences in your heart dictate his truth? To willingly meet you no farther than his comfort levels to admit? And to tell him that it's only for his benefit that you refuse to look inside so deeply for the answers you now demand.

He feels like he's given so much of himself just to be here with you now, and there isn't a sacrifice big enough to fill that gap in your heart. No answer to unrelenting questions and dismissive rhetoric can. It stabs into his reopened wounds remind him of all the trauma he already let go. And still he tries and tries again countless times to not let it come to this. He may have let it go, but it's still unbearably painful to revisit.

I only aswered what you asked until time and distance is what i asked of you; It was not an ending or a referendum, until it had to be. i hoped to give us both perspective and be mutual accepting of the other. And by my account, you agreed. The time to process things was a good idea before we add more shit and fireworks onto that pile that could fall explosively onto us both at any moment.

You've always known I'd answer you as honest and tactfully as i can. Even as tactless as that is, my words don't have the intent you would assign. Isn't that your defense? That you didn't mean for me to feel that way? The difference is I had your consent. And I know that is reflexive in you; a defense of what i had already forgiven, but you refused to forget.

Do you understand that i wasn't talking just to hear my own voice? I never said anything to negate your experience. Do you believe I don't look at you with the same judgement and hatred that you do yourself? Not even a little bit. But i will welcome you back with open arms and heart when you want to live up to your commitments of being better people together.

Maybe i lit the match that set it all ablaze. But for now, i will let that mountain burn itself out and look back, not down, on it from a safe distance. i know i can't make you leave, and i did my best to help you leave while we were there, TOGETHER.