I Set Myself On Fire

You set me on fire just to watch me burn

When I pleaded for you to stop

You said it was all out of love, and it would keep me warm

***

You knew exactly what to say

And exactly what I needed to hear

You came suddenly and unexpectedly in the middle of the night

And you told me you’d brought with you the sun

Because you knew I hadn’t felt warm in a lifetime

You came quietly and calmly at the first stroke of evening

And you told me you’d brought with you the dawn

Because you knew I hadn’t seen a brand new day in years

You pretended to come openly and honestly in the morning

And you told me you brought me all of the stars

Because you knew I hadn’t made a wish in over a decade

You paraded a façade of coming sweetly and serenely in the middle of the storm

And you brought with you a jokers smile

And a hand holding a trick umbrella

Because you knew I never felt protected

You came promising to stay

When really, you had no intention of leaving

And you told me you’d brought with you

The rest of my heart

Because you know I’d been looking for it all of my life.

But what you brought

Was darkness that produced a cold that would chill me to the bone

And dusk that never turned to sunrise

A desolate black hole that annihilated the kinds of stars that carry wishes

A sinister grin

And an empty hand...

One that hit instead of healed

And you stayed only to take my heart and break my heart

Because you knew I would never leave you

Lost and lonely,

I just been waiting for someone

Anyone

All of my life

***

You paved this road

But you did not travel it

The way I traveled it

You had protection and light

I had misguided directions in the dark

And I followed miles behind you, blindly

You played a sick game,

Of purposely leading me off track

And you disguised it as a lesson

You took me down side streets and alleyways knowing all along they were dead ends

My anger and my frustration and my unrelenting panic...

It was all just entertainment for you.

And it didn’t cost you a dime.

But it bled me completely dry

And so, yes, we did walk the same road

But you did not travel it

The way that I traveled

We had one pair of shoes for two people...

And your feet were covered

***

You did a bad thing.

You took all of the broken pieces

And you made a mosaic of all the bad parts

And all you could do was stare at it and tell you hated me

But you should have looked at the spaces in between the pieces

Because if you had

That’s where you would’ve found me

Waiting for you

***

I am awkward

And slightly insensitive

But only slightly

Because, mostly, I am far too sensitive

I am happy

Or at least are used to be.

Lately I find joy in next to nothing

I always used to find it standing next to you

But now I watch your joy bloom when you’re standing next to her

And I feel empty.

And withered.

Like ash.

Almost as if just one person were to breathe a little too hard... all of my pieces would scatter

And float away with the wind

I’d be mistaken for dust and swept into a corner

And as time passed by, every trace of me would disappear

As if it hasn’t already...

Even if you looked for me

You would never find me

Because I would be everywhere and nowhere at the same time

I am awkward

And slightly alone

But only slightly

Because mostly...

I am just lonely

***

Survival mode is not a grandiose condition

It is not a stock pile of weapons or a constant state of preparedness

It is not an armored car

It is not a flamethrower

It is not action packed or thrilling

Survival mode as subtle.

It’s writing a bad check for your child’s milk

It’s stealing toilet paper from unsuspecting bathrooms

It’s staying in bed for four days

It’s a collection of debt that you cannot repay

It’s constantly apologizing for someone else’s mistakes

It’s both a steroid and a numbing agent

It’s a management of symptoms,

Not a cure for pain

And it changes you.

It changes every single thing about you.

Because survival mode is never about seeing tomorrow

It is only about making it through today

***

SHE hates her life

She tries to change her life

She always returns to her life

She is a masochist

But she loves him

Or does she?

She does. She must.

But she HATES the way he loves her

She HATES his idea of love

She HATES his sick, skewed version of reality

She hates him

At least... most of the time

But some of the time

She is still in love with him

Because she is a masochist

HE is a sadist

He likes other people to hurt

He rejoices when people, who he thinks have hurt him, suffer

He thrives on being the perpetrator

And she has been his biggest victim

Because SHE is a masochist

She almost got away once

She tried looking for love in other places,

With other people

To take the pain away

And that caused HIM pain.

But, a true glutton for punishment

She missed the pain she felt she deserved for hurting him

HIS pain.

HER pain.

Their pain.

She knew SHE needed to feel pain

For causing HIM pain

Because he always blamed ALL of his pain

On her

And she let him

Because SHE is a masochist

But when she returned

She didn’t feel bad about causing him pain

Maybe she is a sadist too

But, It felt so good when the others didn’t mind

Because he ALWAYS minded

And he liked to make it hurt

But she is not a sadist

She did not delight in his pain

She has just grown numb to the torture

And she no longer felt his pain

Only her own

And so SHE must be a masochist

***

I keep my bags packed

But I am not baggage

I am a irreparably cracked

But I am not broken

My watch does not keep enough hours

But I always find the time

I have been silent for a lifetime

But I still hold my voice

I clean house every spring

But I am a hoarder of memories

I have been unloved

But I am not unloving

I hold no credentials

But I am a vault of knowledge

I am unsure

But I keep moving

I am exhausted

But I keep fighting

I am afraid

But I keep going

I am faithless

But not hopeless

I was a erased

But I am still here

And I am still...

Me.

***

It’s hard for me to remember a time without you

Because you wanted me to forget that I had a life before you

People, places, and things that didn’t include you

Were slowly and carefully discarded by you

Until the image of you was the only memory I retained

And so, what do I do now?

How am I supposed to discard YOU?

How am I supposed to move on from the only memory I have left?

Am I supposed to erase you?

As if you never even existed?

And if so, how do I do that?

How do I erase you when you were the one who put actual, biological life inside of me?

A life my body grew

And knit perfectly together From head to toe

A life so pure, and so sweet, and so loving.

A life that I hope never knows about all of the memories you stole from me and replaced with yourself

A life that I desperately pray ends up worlds different

Than the life that you fabricated for me

***

If someone has broken her, but she did not break

Trust me when I say

You might hurt her, but you will not wreck her

And she will turn the lights off and leave you searching for her in the dark

But once you have lost her she will never let you find her again