I'm Walking Down the Aisle (Part 1)

Battling last minute crises, torn seams, and nerves, the time has come to walk the final lonely road. I walk the road towards eternal happiness, happiness that can only come from you.

I take a breath and collect my thoughts, and start down the path towards my life’s desire, a life with one love, the best love of all, my friend, my everything.

My you.

Not a dry eye watching as I pass by. I know I’m in tears, but I put on a smile.

I see you staring with a look that says “Wow, here comes my friend, my friend who is my own.”

But once I make it halfway, my vision gets hazy.

The room starts spinning, and I lose sight of you.

I fall to my knees, covering my face, trying to regain the sight...to no avail.

When the room settles, you are gone.

In your place, a friendly face resides. My tears flow as I stand and receive him, confused all the more. A voice tells me, “It’s all for the best. Here is your dear love who beat out the rest.” Still dazed, I agree and accept him as my husband forever more.

I tell myself it was nothing but a phase. He who should have been is only good for one thing.

Yet another voice sounds mournful and full of regrets. My vision of my special day forever changed.

I’m walking down the aisle almost running every time. But something stops me, and now I’m running away.

Her eyes, they haunt me, like a demon in the night.

The diamond on her hand blinds me every time. That flash of light compels me to flee in fear from my friend who I held most dear.

Is she so afraid of me that she feels she must guard you?

She has no trust, this woman you love.

What has she to fear from me? What dreams does she see? A dream to taunt me, torture me always? A dream that may torture you if such a dream you have?

I don’t know this. I only know I’m losing you.

I see you down the aisle in any dreams of wedded bliss.

My mind says, “Let him go.” My heart fights tooth and nail.

Your are my friend and loved one dear, in spite of her flashing eyes.

She won your heart fairly, the heart I cruelly gave away.

Oh, if that heart were mine still… what does it matter?

I am as cruel as any maid who took the key to her heart back, leaving the other to suffer in quiet, endless torment.

The girl whose key you possess has done some to earn your own. Yet you still bear the scars from the impressions of times past.

A third is set to come, yet that I only say from fear.

I only wish my heart were free to free you from her.

Still, you stay for him, him who you call your own.

Even if my heart were free, you’d hate to leave him, him who you call your son.

The sun to your moon, the light of the sky.

I know this and cry.

The wedding is over, I drift off to sleep.

Now, alone with my thoughts, I can finally weep, lament, and cry for the love that was lost.

The man I married was good enough, but not who I wished for.

In my listless sleep, I cry into the darkness of my dreams:

“I am only a girl who gave up what was dearest in the world.

I deserve nothing, only heartbreak and death.

The one I loved dearly is gone because of my deeds.

Whoever is out there, if you care to listen to one who has erred so greatly,

I am paying the price.

What can I do to wash away the pain, the stain of my mistake?

I must know, so I can begin again."

And from the darkness came a voice that said:

“Listen and mark me, I have a way for you.

Write your sorrows, your woes, your fears, all that plagues your heart.

In your native tongue, speak of your crimes, make them known to yourself and the world.

Be honest, be discreet, break the silence and warn all people.

Help them through your mistakes, make this world a better place.

When your work is done, only then will peace abound.”

My heart first feared the path presented for I wanted my feelings to be unknown.

But for the sake of helping myself, I took on the task with joy.

For weeks, I wrote out the words, the secrets locked within my soul.

Even now, I find new inspiration, new developments challenge me.

But I know they are a means to a better end.

A better me.

I’m walking down the aisle to a goal unseen.

It gets longer every day, yet I walk on.

One day, I shall reach the end and my true love wed.

Till then, I walk the lonely road with no one but my conscience to guide me.

I wonder who I’ll meet there once my journey ends.

Whatever the outcome, it will be good. At least, I think it will.

I know it will. It must end well for me.

For us.

For me and my friend in whom I place my love and trust.

And so my penance has begun,

The journey to the chosen one.

Walk me with me along the road

And see me to my dear rewards.

I’m walking down the aisle.

To you.

Picture credit: <span>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@keebarber?utm_source=unsplash&amp;utm_medium=referral&amp;utm_content=creditCopyText">Keenan Barber</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/wedding-aisle?utm_source=unsplash&amp;utm_medium=referral&amp;utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span>