I Hope To Never Be You (A Letter To My Mother) Part 2

It's been three years since I've seen you

You and dad divorced when I was 13, it's a unforgotten memory.

Heart cracked, mind went black, and my emotions became west side.

You would scream, yell, hit me like

an old rag doll, blame me for your fights and

preach there was something wrong with me. It seemed I

was not worthy to be your daughter or that you loved me.

The yelling caused me to have a

liquid run down my leg like an untrained

dog... more your voice would cut

me like razor sharp tongues

Dad would have to block your way from

trying to hit me... It was sick this was

the reality of my childhood.

Like a broken sparrow my wings didn't

work but my eyes saw the reality of this

pain

The way glass beer bottles

would hit the wall staining

my innocent eyes. Being

hit with a belt at times

by your rough hand like

a steel pipe

I spent all the time wishing you were different

while making me feel worthless as though

these stupid mind games, uplifted

your life

Everything is different now nothing is the same

and it feels you don't know my name or remember

your 16-year-old daughter's face

I look in the mirror, and see you everyday

I'm like you in every way, and every shade

I try to forget I was your daughter

like dirty gold I'm tainted with your

genes

You took me from your

family, turning in neglected

white trash

I couldn't face all the drama so I ran, I couldn't run forever

eventually stopped and stared at the rope waiting for my

life to expire. Tying it around my little neck, who would

have stopped me from jumping.

How could I have been so selfish, realizing my

siblings didn't need a tombstone but a sister. I've

kept it the past for as long as I could but now I'm

letting it out.

All fed up and done.

You cheated on my father like

you were an innocent victim. Lied saying

my father kicked us out of house like

stray dogs. You moved us in with a complete stranger.

I'm older and I wished someone would have told me life would end up like this

I was depressed I didn't want to admit with these army wounds.

13, I was confused and scared

an unknown man I grew to hate and

wanna kill.

Your boyfriend leaving my arms sore and sometimes marks of harmless fun I hated it.

He threw a remote at you once & I sat there in silence with my head hidden.

I believed there was no fate or pray to undo the damage of my innocence of these memories

him hitting you, cursing at me hiding away my little brother's tears and covering my

sister's ears.

Keeping my them in our one bedroom, headphones blocking out the yelling of your snaked tongues.

I've got shame and scars I will never show, and a survivor more than you will ever know.

My body against the door, all I could hear was the family war

Was I your child, Mother, or was I just a worthless piece of trash?

Please, Mother, leave the abuse for your children, it's been three years

since we've seen each other but how can we get a relationship

back we never had?

Your bf kicked us out in the cold, fall, and Fourth of July

now he kicked you out four times with my

siblings... Hasn't it occurred to you to leave, to

save them from this life of bizarreness?

You don't love us, it's clear from everything

you did and say trying to act like

you are a saint.

A day I remember and never

forgot was the day my sister spoke

Your bf had the knack of a touch, and you

stood their taking his side like an

idiot. DCF came on Halloween

asking questions.

You called your daughter a

fucking liar. I felt like

we were toys for your amusement.

You're still with him.

He pushed you in front of

my little brother, he sees

the bruises on your body

the hit and the push so what kind of mother does that make you?

Causing your own son to beg me to come

back to your unstable home to save him like I'm wonder woman.

Mother I

felt so much

neglect

like the flames

rising overhead.

You neglected me

and my siblings,

well, ain't that insane?

You said things to me

that should have never

been said, you acted

like the victim as if

we were just ghosts

passing through

"I'm over and

done with you

don't come over anymore,

I wash my hands of you" You said

to your 13-year-old daughter

Every Valentine's day, I'm reminded of your words,

reminded I moved out and disowned you.

I wished you hugged me like I was your daughter and

you loved me. You would say you love me but never

once not saying it with warmth in your voice and

looking at me face to face without disgust.

I used to look at my skin and hate my half race of

white because I'm always reminded I'm part of you...

I wish you

were here

when I needed

you the most.

Not staying with

a man who seems to

allow you to stay because of

your body...

I hate you for what your

causing my siblings to feel

(Fear)

I'm writing to you, you broke

my father's heart, your

children for life. I still hate you

but i never know if I can forgive you.

The scars run deep in this hollow body,

I remember the days seeing you as a

hero but those memories are just

lost, when you and your bf began the

racist name calling towards me

because I look more Mexican than white.

What kind of sick reality was this?

My walls became stone, because my trust

issues have skyrocketed high. I'm afraid

to allow my walls down because of the

fright of rejection and the pain you've

caused me. And the memories that can never

be fixed and the backstabbing that can

never be eased.

Making me the black sheep of your family,

telling everyone I'm a brat, a liar, a thief,

I do drugs, and worse things.

All these memories

haunt me but they don't know how you

could choose a molester's side over

your youngest daughter's word.

I spent all the time wishing you were different

while making me feel worthless as though

these stupid mind games, uplifted

your life

I just want love the love that

I will never receive because

Everything is different now nothing is the same

and it feels you don't know my name or remember

your 16-year-old daughter's face

Here we go again all alone I can't forgive you yet

If I ever have kids, I hope for god's sake,

I never cause them this much pain of feeling

they're worthless to their mother, a controlled

object or never loved because

I look in the mirror, and see you everyday

I'm like you in every way, and every shade.

You may have had three kids, but that doesn't make

you mother, I hope to never be you.

It's been three years... and I'm no longer afraid to speak the truth

Goodbye, Mom, because this is the last open letter

I have for you.