I Feel like I Should Know Better

I so wanted to you be the one,

my one,

And for a minute you were,

You had a way to making me feel so young,

Embrace all of the fun, around me,

you intrigued me,

challenged me to open my view,

embraced my right to choose,

But how much are we going to let us go through,

How much, till we say enough,

Where differences out do anything with love,

where is the point where I give up,

You see a new day after a fight,

I see ammunition to what isn't right,

You see not giving up,

while I sit here justifying is this enough?

My body has been telling me you fit wrong, all along,

while you hold me reassuring me that we belong,

You stimulate my dreams as if you see me,

but most the time I wonder if you're really even listening,

There is no silence that sits between us peacefully,

I am always on guard on how you may react to me,

Or something I say,

you preach you want to be my safe place,

Then I grant you your wish with vulnerability,

and my words I said when weak, come back at my face,

I can't rely on you to be that safe space,

And I didn't need you to be my everything,

I am my own human being,

I can cry to myself,

Find my own way of help,

without you,

But I shouldn't have to,

You are who I should be excited to share my good news,

want to tell you what I have been up to,

But instead, I am burdened with how you will respond,

Will it be one of our better days,

Or will you make me questions if we belong,

I have been living one foot out the door,

You process our fights and move on,

while I feel we are just hiding our problems under the floorboards,

Your complexity,

is what is intriguing to me,

but this rollercoaster of a relationship,

is bringing me to my knees,

My solid beliefs and foundation, has turned into questioning,

We have worked through things I should have seen as flags,

compromised on overreacting, convincing myself this isn't that bad,

But I know better,

I have seen better,

You describe our fights,

as a part of life,

something everyone goes through,

A small piece of that may be true,

But every fight I am not looking to you,

I don't see the growth that will get us through,

But what will be the moment where I walk away from you,

your tendencies show as manipulation,

without any indication, of what you are doing,

tiny interactions of you being controlling,

You lack trust in us every time you question me,

No matter who starts the fight, I am the one defending,

over problems that level up to us not understanding, each other,

Do we really feel heard,

Or do we each just want to have the last word,

And every time you see me wanting to walk away,

you beg me to stay, say all the right things,

change your reactions from being so mean,

like you were seconds ago,

I feel like I should know, better.