i am amazed

i am amazed by what i don't want to see

the wish for ignorance is growing and i cry

because i am angry and afraid of what?

the future holds for me potential waning

because i want to speak my truth too loud

but it hurts you

like it hurts me since i gave up on myself

and falling fast to the point of impact

past the horizontal event

that's when i sang to all of it my deranged goodbyes

then i shooketh again

and the house cracked in half

and it kept divinding itself while i howled at the moon

and we all want to see it fall

in the flames, down to charred coals

because you are not a mirror

because mirrors are not monsters

and monsters hide in the dark where i don't see to well

so i take my clothes off and i ask to be loved like i don't think i deserve

and i dwell on pleasure because it exists in the now

and i find the present hard to be in

so i go back to what i know but i don't remember

out of this rabbit hole i go into the next

and i keep screeching at it but it doesn't have a name

i can't tell it to go away

can't run from it

and i don't fit in with we the people in a general sense

i lack culture and discipline because to be honest

i don't really care about much of anything but birds and bees

various creatures of the sea that talk to me sometimes when i swim

until i trip over and in the gutter to be cluttered with identity

inside of me out in space

some milky galaxy

it's a wilderness of dynamics

and it's getting cold outside this time of year

i forgot to put socks on intentionally

but the irony escapes me

obsconded what with freedom's name ideologically

it all about the bottom line in modern existonomics

why can't i let the other cheek get hit next time so it doesn't hurt as much

i am sorry for all your problems too when it happens, period

it's taken out of my peace

staunch about doing the right things

things i don't care about

i'd rather be happy than right and i'll fight to be even though i don't like to

at least that's what i say as oblivious as i can fake being

breathe deeply, smell the division in the air and swing higher

broken engagements as wedding bells cry biblically

opposing views and one sky holding air, water, and rocks

heavy enough and wild enough to catch on fire

molten and flying through the universe

endlessly layered upon itself

and the lowest layer of the enlightened is society

all cultures consume themselves in a quest for total domination

growing beyond the barrier of words

past a look behind the scenes

i have what i have earned and i don't want to put in so much effort

but i don't shut up

no yielding to the other side

i don't talk much but i can begin to listen when i race myself

a finish line that nobody can see past

speculate about what happens after a macabre moment changes

i fear the impending doom of mortality so i run at is

just as fast as i can

hoping that i'll figure out a way to reconcile with myself the deficit

what do i owe for my emotions and being crippled by them

as i try to do something with all i know in this world

i am afraid to be alone so i alienate and find out what its about

a strange sound whispers from the closet

i dodge cupids arrow becuase i have been hit by it before

scars left on my heart

i hate myself for being afraid of everything

underserving of success because i am what i am running from

the only chance for solitude is terminal removal or assimilation

against what isn't with this side

i am wrong and right

i know what jokes sound like and

did you bring what you are asking for?

you might have it now if you had

i wanted fingers but i shake hands like they are scissors

bloody and embraced by conflict

internal impressions of traumatized

and slowly i become aware how blessed i am

catch up with myself when i run away from who i am

learn my lessons the hard way because i am who i am

it will just be waht it is there is no worse or better

and i judge you judging me first and back and forth like an egg

boiled in the oceans

softly poached to be eaten

aware of my own demise to follow what i do next

close my eyes and lean backwards

i am afraid of sleeping because of what i see when i do

everything i am afraid of lives there in MY mind

but it shows itself with the world around me

i have made mistakes

confused my priorities with what i don't like

don't turn your back on me and my punchable personality

more than black and white or all the shades they make

it's a colorful world but my reception is questionable

i want things that i don't have until i have them

then reality sinks in and one of the things i have ate the garbage

left by the door apathetically

intended to be a chore left for later when i have mustered

habitually sleeping even if my eyes are open

unphased by any cause of alarm around me

behind the scenes while the theater burns

i'm not a leading man

but i write his script for him but he can't read

he doesn't care about what it means as long as he gets the attention

applause for alligator tears

popculturally on your lips like a glossy accesory

it was me the whole time is something i am sure of

if you holld a mirror, and what you see is garbage

what reyou trying to prove that is so closely held

cards cut from the heart a special presentation

publicly announced in service of something that isn't claimed

the pennies on the doll are spread too thinly

not thinking about it keeping what i have

even though i forget something every time

i rush to the door going through it but it's closed

this is some kinda limbo in the between

seeing what we want to see

pretending it's not what it is

anything but a decleration

the perspectives irreconcilable

fighting til there is nothing left to share and nobody to share it with

a well unfit unfit for drinking to make more koolaid with

a spike through the mix

where is the heart in it

soiled water from a come back story

sold short to pay the bills

traumatically bonded to money

out but favor is a fickle black-souled creature

say my name even if it's after 'i hate'

thank you for the considerations

i'll believe it's over when there's nothing left

a hand asking for me to touch it slaps mine away

a game with a growing number of players

to the death

nobody really wins here

this is the vibration shaking in the air

a thickly put on facade cracks in some places

applications yet to be a realization

aware and unbothered by ignorance is not my style

at fault for a return to sender

shredded first and stapled to excommunication love letters

divorced from the guilt of a definition that i don't feel from the inside out