Hummingbird Unrequited

(I)

hummingbird love is flash, spark, and gone, or so they say

they will not share their territory

not even with the parent of their child and chick

they are the war god's bird

or so they say

.

centuries ago every Aztec warrior who died in battle

rose again as a hummingbird

or so they say

.

modern legend says a lady out walking

found a pair of hummingbirds

locked together in death

their swords pierced through

each other's hearts

.

no one who ever saw a rufous hummingbird

has ever doubted it

though I've heard the story told

of ruby-throats too

.

here are the facts of hummingbird love:

• the first hour of their love is the only hour
• love at first sight is the only love they know
• that and the love of battle

.

or so they say

.

(II)

but now i say something else

for i've seen it for myself how

even a hummingbird's sudden piercing

lacerating love

can last

.

although

could be love lasted

because it was not returned

.

(III)

a lady hummingbird overwintered in our garden

pulled by the green and red of December flowers

and yet we did not lose her with January's freeze

that turned all our holiday color

to shades of brown and black

.

beauty pulled her, but trust held her

sleeping in her spot beneath our window

not caring there was no more green

to hide her perch from spying eyes

.

every morning we looked out to see her wake, stretch, drink

on rainy days, on foggy days, she spent all day close

but on sunny days,

she left us after breakfast

spiraling away we knew not where

slipping home unseen after dark

each morning already there

new again to surprise us

.

we, i say

us

.

but it was not for us she lingered

it was not for we

or me

.

i was not the one she loved

.

(IV)

the day after the day after Valentine's

all the signs of leaving clear

i want to go, i must, she said

without the need for words

her hovering hesitation all the love language she ever needed

.

the morning promised a cloudless day of endless sky, the kind of day she always chose for roaming

the weather guy said, expect a high of 77 degrees

expect it we did

the mockingbirds dancing, the cardinals sing-spitting each other

spring in earnest now

i must fly home, i must!

and so our winter hummingbird kept starting up

the stretching of the wings, the drinking of the nectar, and then the turning back

.

how she hovered at my window

looking in at me

though seeing me she was not satisfied

seeing me she spun in mid-air

and then

perching again, feeding again, hovering again

a restless form of lingering

.

she must go now and not return

she must seize her territory or

some other will seize it first

the battle will not wait for her, oh no,

she must go, she must hurry

still she hesitates

still she hovers

.

war calls, and her sword is sharp

and yet love holds her

.

fixed in mid-air

wings invisible from the blur of effort

pinned inches in the space

outside my window

.

it took me longer to understand than it should have

.

oh!

I call at last, hurry, hurry

she can't leave, she's waiting for you

she wants to say goodbye

.

for my lovebird was not to be seen in her usual spot on my side of the glass

for lovebirds too know the signs of spring

no more time for winter's idle dawdling in a sunny window

she has a cardboard box to stuff full of paper ribbons

.

and so our winter hummingbird is caught in mid-air spinning

how can she leave without a last goodbye?

.

(V)

or if not goodbye

for no true goodbye would ever be exchanged

she could not leave without

one last glimpse at the puffed green marshmallow of her one true love who

would never love her back

.

(VI)

tiny body full of longing

wings blurred & beating

invisible

.

lovebirds do not come when called any more than shakespeare's ghosts will come

but at last I lift a finger and she flies to it

and we stand together at the window

her devotee sees, circles, hovers, hovers, hovers

a look exchanged

or not exchanged

for the lady hummingbird gazes in

but her beloved gazes up and over to where i've hung a wand of millet

.

and so

our hummingbird

gazes in to

take all the goodbye she will ever have

and then she flies

.

gone like dreams

.

(VII)

we could have been together you and i

twin flame/souls who had no need for scrabble over food or territory

you with your seed, me with my nectar

you with your nests full of paper ribbons

me with my nest a thimble made of twigs

our love pure

a matter of loving looks exchanged

.

but now I see you will never let me in

you do not care if I must fly a thousand miles away and then another thousand and another thousand, across the deserts and over the mountains, and through the endless circles of the seasons

fleeing the fires, fleeing the snows, my life a series of flights a step ahead of death

while you sit preserved under glass

your beauty eternal

your heart a stone

unchanging

.

(VIII)

go then

you will be back

.

with the wheel of the seasons

you'll be the wingless ghost blurred and

hovering in my window again

.

love you say

twin flames you say

.

but i say something else

to this love that flies near and away

as the winds blow

.

i say

if I had given you

what you wished

in that first hour

of your hummingbird

desire

I would already be

forgotten

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